I Know Art When I See It

On keeping our children safe through parental hysteria.

Remember that game that was kind of like tag but not really at all? It was called “Statue” and the person who was It would spin players around one by one and they had to freeze in whatever position they landed in. Given that I was smurf-size, that usually meant ending up with both shoulders dislocated.

Right about now, you’re probably thinking, do we really have to read about some old crow reminiscing about her childhood? What’s this all about? It’s just a reminder of the simpler times, when our parents weren’t pontificating on school boards about non-issues. They were busy drinking way too much chardonnay and talking about the Kennedys, as it should be.

So let’s roll the tape on the latest happenings in Crazytown, USA.

The principal of a middle school in (surprise!) Tallahassee was forced to (surprise!) resign after a concerned parent complained that 6th grade students were being exposed to…pornography. A couple other parents said they wanted to be alerted beforehand if the woke Renaissance art lesson would include pornography, as it so often does. Don’t even get me started on biology.

Please be advised that the following image may be offensive to some readers.

MY EYES.

That’s right. Michelangelo's statue of David was going to be shown to innocent 12-year-olds parading as “art,” along with that grotesque graffiti on the roof of the Sistine Chapel and the graphic drawings in those Elephant & Piggie books.

You may know David from the biblical David and Goliath, the much lauded sequel to Rocky IV: Rocky vs. Drago. But let’s be honest, the Bible is also, under the Floridian way of thinking, quite pornographic.

Please be advised that the following image may be offensive to some readers.

MY EYES.

That’s Adam and Eve, the original sinners who screwed everything up for the rest of us. THANKS FOR GETTING US KICKED OUT OF EDEN, YOU PERVERTS.

This is sick, sick stuff, people. We must make sure that we scrub all educational value and independent thinking out of books, curriculua, and books again until our hands (we can hope!) bleed like stigmata.