Burn Before Reading

The Krause list, butt books & librarians gone mild.

The Sunday NYT Magazine: Education Issue featured an article concerning books, politics and librarians in Llano County. Luckily I was able to read it online because, just like every Sunday, the delivery person skipped over my house. And I would know if some neighbor was swiping it from my yard as I have set bear traps all around the perimeter.

This particular article profiled the librarians caught inside the sharpened hedges of the Texas book-banning labyrinth. But the most fun thing about this story is reading how many times the writer Erika Hayasaki gets away with saying “butt” in the NYT. Some of the questionable children’s books cited by Llano the Librarian were “My Butt Is So Noisy!” “I Broke My Butt!” and “I Need a New Butt!” These are followed up by mentions of alien butts, butt cracks, arty-farty butts, bare butts, and butt-book complaints. In fact, the word butt is used 21 times.

Even Amber Milum, the library system director, wrote an email to the commissioners with the subject line “Butt Books.” The fact that this group email to elected officials is going around with the subject “Butt Books” seems more than a little inappropriate.

It’s books like these that spur Llano resident Eva Carter into action. She’s on a crusade to get the “filthy books” out of reach. “I think God is using this to bring awareness to people who had no clue what was going on,” Carter said. “It’s a battle between good and evil.”

Oh, come on. I remember reading God’s review of “I Broke My Butt.” He said that it reminded him of a cross between “Mrs. Dalloway” and “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and called it “a delightful beach read.”

But really, the star of Llano County’s anti-Butt Books crusade is a real Christian’s Christian, State Representative Matt Krause. Now before you question Krause’s literary credentials, you should know that he has five kids and they’ve all read their autographed copies of the Good Book.

Last fall, Krause issued a widely circulated letter to the Texas Education Agency and a group of school-district superintendents listing 849 books he wanted investigated.

That’s right. 849. In long form, that’s eight hundred and forty-nine. (Back off. I have a third grader.)

Krause asked officials to let him know of any books with “sexually explicit images.” Because he’s a TOTAL PERVERT. Seriously? We’re not supposed to think that’s a strange request? That he’ll personally investigate these explicit books?

Krause’s 849 ban-worthy books have become known as the “Krause list,” which just sounds suspect. If a book happens to make the list, it must be removed from the shelves. Also, there will be a traditional book burning in the town square until actor John Lithgow intervenes yelling, Satan is not in these books! Satan is in the libraries!

Besides the butt books, the Krause list includes:

1. Anything mentioning black people

2. Anything mentioning gay people

3. Anything mentioning gay black people

4. Anything mentioning equal rights

5. Anything mentioning sex

6. Anything in Spanish

7. Anything mentioning sex in Spanish

8. Anything mentioning (duh) women

Now, as is typical in these culture wars to the death, there’s a group of concerned women called Moms for Liberty, a Florida-based circle of moms who apparently had used up every single scrapbook holiday-themed embellishment they could find so they had to come up with another hobby. From scrapbooking to scrapping books!© It’s genius!

Moms for Liberty supposedly advocate for parental rights in school by opposing vaccine mandates and blasting critical race theory, which doesn’t really mean what they think it means. They can be seen at school board meetings across the country and are easily identified by their paisley print reversible jean jackets from Chico’s.

Make this a No More Butt Books tee and I’m in.

Hey, liberty ladies. If your kids attend public schools and frequent public libraries, you’re already co-parenting with the government.

Now someone hand me a copy of I Broke My Butt.