An Affair to Forget
Trials, tribulations, infidelity & walking on water.
I was in the Hamptons for the first time in my life over the weekend and believe me when I say, I don’t belong there. I was sitting outside at a cafe drinking a nice sauvignon blanc when a man drove his Midnight Cherry Red Tesla up and threw me the keys so I could park it.
On Saturday I received an urgent text from a friend asking if I was watching the Paxton stuff and how he was being acquitted on basically every single charge. I couldn’t think of what to say so I just inserted that puking emoji thing. Catch-all.
This was not supposed to happen. Clearly God is testing me to find the good in every person but I’m like, there’s nothing good about this walking defect. And God was like, I know. I’m sorry.
So after his nine-day impeachment trial in which the prosecution proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ken Paxton was guilty on all corruption charges, he was acquitted by almost every Republican and quickly reinstated as attorney general.
His signed poster of Rambo Trump standing on a tanker holding an American flag and an AK-47 was back in his office within seconds.
Let’s just say what we’ve all been thinking for some time now. Oat milk is the worst. Also, the Republican party is no more. There are, however, always a few holdouts, clinging to the deflating life raft while clutching the Heart of the Ocean diamond. Like Lisa Murkowski. And some other people who either retired, lost reelection, or went into witness protection.
But wait! There were two Texas Republican senators who voted to convict Paxton and remove him from office: Kelly Hancock and Robert Nichols. Other Republicans were threatened with primary challenges if they voted to impeach.
If I were an elected official (stay with me) and someone threatened my reelection bid (stay with me), I’d be like eye-roll-bring-it. But then I am nothing if not principled.
Which brings me to the decidedly unprincipled Angela Paxton. She is just as bad as her cheating clown of a husband. She sat there on the Senate floor during the proceedings, expressionless, as her husband’s affair with Laura Olson, a 50-year-old four-time divorcée (fifth time’s the charm!), was detailed by his former chief of staff.
Warning: The following contains references to a woman who willingly slept with Ken Paxton.
Now let’s be clear. The extramarital affair would not have been an impeachable offense in and of itself (although it really should be given that he’s so loathsome) but rather additional evidence of bribery and misuse of office.
At one point Miss Olson worked at World Class Holdings, a multimillion-dollar real estate company owned by major Paxton donor and FBI’s Most Wanted Nate Paul. Olson got the job because she’s really smart. Here she is hanging out with village idiot Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick.
Olson’s a card carrying member of the Bexar County Republican Women, which means she spends her time cross stitching pastoral scenes when she isn’t engaging in adultery.
Katherine Cary, the former chief of staff, testified that she first became aware of the affair in 2018 while eating alone at Galaxy Cafe. Sad.
She overheard a woman, who turned out to be Olson, discussing “very personal” information about Ken Paxton. (I can only assume that this “very personal” information is not suitable for a Substack newsletter.)
Paxton Attorney Tony Buzbee, who looks like a really tan George Hamilton, questioned Cary on the stand concerning, as is customary in your standard impeachment trial, Jesus.
Buzbee: Do you go to church?
Cary: I don’t think that is an appropriate question.
Buzbee: You ever met someone who is perfect?
Cary: No.
Buzbee: All have sinned. Sometimes people make stupid mistakes. There’s only one person [Jesus] that’s perfect.
That’s not even a QUESTION. That’s a MUSING. The problem with people like Paxton is that they claim to be Christian while acting like they’re Jesus. They’re so “persecuted” and “unfairly treated” and “crucified” on a daily basis by these wicked, wicked people like Democrats and the entire cast of Bridgerton.
They act like they can walk on water and the truth is, they can. Because their supporters tell them they can. But then you’re walking on water and your faith is shaken so you start falling and Jesus is like, O thou of little faith.
All of a sudden you’re on the bottom of the sea since you can’t really walk on water because you’re a TERRIBLE PERSON.
For those of you not in touch with reality, there’s a glimmer of hope. Paxton is still being investigated by the FBI for fraud and apparently for wearing a backpack that he stole off a middle school student.
In summation:
I wasn’t at all surprised that Paxton was acquitted of all 16 counts he’s guilty of. As the movie line says, “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.” (Substitute Texas and there you have it.)
I don’t know the players, but the story is hilarious and sad. Also, could slot in some Florida politicians in place of these folks.
Btw, the “Floriduh” usage isn’t appreciated from commentors. The entire population of Texas isn’t labeled stupid, and rightly so.
I have lived in Florida all my life and am appalled by what is happening legislatively in my home state. I’m hardly alone in my political views, although clearly not in the majority, since the worst Republicans have been voted into office in FL in recent years.
Besides, the 2016 presidential election wasn’t a good look for any of us in this country.