Catch Me if You Ken

Keeping up with the Paxtons & the case of the missing Montblanc pen.

If you don’t know Ken Paxton, then you don’t know that our illustrious attorney general is married to a state senator. And if you didn’t know that he was married to a state senator, then you’re just like me because I had no idea that 1) anyone would marry this walking baked potato, and 2) that they would be a state senator named Angela. I found out from a Twitter DM which I immediately printed out and ate since I will soon be going Twitter-underground and leading the Elon Musk resistance.

In a somewhat close race, Paxton makes a solid case for reelection despite a few minor shortcomings. Like being indicted on state securities fraud and accusations of bribery and other cowardly moves such as hiding his list of nefarious campaign donors. Or filing a case with the Supreme Court to overturn the highly questionable 2020 presidential election results. Sure, he may be a pro-gun anti-vaxxer Christian fanatic and voting rights opponent kind of guy with racist and anti-LGBT tendencies steeped in climate change denial with a shot of espresso but he’s our shot of espresso.

Some things, however, are hard to overlook. He once tried to steal a $1,000 Montblanc pen from a courthouse. A MONTBLANC PEN. FROM A COURTHOUSE. And to think I felt bad about pulling the Bic pen off the string at the post office.

The most delightful Paxton story, of course, is the mad dash from his house earlier this year when a process server tried to serve him a subpoena for a lawsuit filed by Fund Texas Choice. He and Angela LEFT THE SCENE in a pick-up truck with Ken dressed as, naturally, Geena Davis. Seriously? The only time I try to flee from my house is when those earnest Sierra Club volunteers show up asking for money. For themselves, not the Sierra Club.

And just this week ProPublica published an article on old Kenny boy that found that his office opened at least 10 investigations over the past two years into alleged crimes by election workers. One of his investigations was triggered by some wackadoo Bexar County GOP chair who lost her reelection bid and refused to certify the results. She had also claimed that George Floyd’s death was staged, which is pretty much in line with what has become of the Republican party.

Apparently Paxton also tried to indict a couple election workers for doing their jobs, which makes his job of fabricating voter fraud and wreaking havoc on democracy even harder. Luckily Angela has his back. You know what they say. Behind every bad attorney general is a bad state senator.

Nothing says badass like a completely unstaged thumb casually stuck in your jeans pocket. (I actually am impressed that she’s able to do that given that her jeans appear to be cutting off her circulation.)

My favorite part of this tweet, though, is where she says they follow Christ together. Because, no you don’t. The Paxtons do not follow Christ. They follow their own selfish motivations and their complete disregard for anyone else. Christ doesn’t hate or deceive or gerrymander or treat immigrants like trash or trample on human rights. These two are a disgrace, not just to Texas but to every thinking person and I know there aren’t that many of us left but maybe we could hold weekly Zoom calls or something. Jesus said I could use His login because I’m His favorite.