I'm Just Ken

Barbie, Ryan Gosling & the impeachent of the Texas attorney general.

I finally took my 9-year-old daughter to see “Barbie” last weekend at the Alamo Drafthouse because apparently it’s “frowned upon” to smuggle in wine at Regal Gateway. And, let me just say, I didn’t find it empowering in the least.

They started off the movie with glib commentary about how the original Barbie inspired little girls everywhere to be whatever they wanted to be, like a stewardess! or a secretary! a bride! or, let’s be honest, a pretty pink girl with pretty pink clothes and a pretty pink Dream House that my parents would never buy for me.

They did, however, get me a creepy Barbie styling head which was just her oversized head equipped with clown makeup, a plastic brush and a matching comb. Instead of the makeup, I used permanent markers and instead of the brush, I just cut all her hair off.

So empowering!

I still have mine.

Then there was Ken. Bleached blond surfer dude who’s in love with Barbie and beloved by all the desperate women of a certain age in the audience because he’s Ryan Gosling and he is amazing.

And, in case you missed it, Mattel just released a *new* limited edition Ken, an attorney general facing impeachment for corruption and bribery. (Montblanc pen and mistress sold separately). As you can imagine, it’s flying off the shelves.

Ah, Ken “Kenny” Paxton. His untoward relationship with real estate investor Nate “Nate” Paul is at the heart and soul of these impeachment proceedings. Was Paxton improperly using the powers of his office to help his friend and donor who was also under federal investigation? WAS HE? OF COURSE HE WAS. THAT’S WHY THIS IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.

Now I may not be an attorney, I may only be an English major, but this week’s whistleblower testimony seemed pretty damning. Remind me to never hire a whistleblower. Those canaries can sing.

Testifying on Thursday, deputy first assistant to the attorney general Ryan Bangert said, “I was deeply concerned that the name, authority and power of our office had been, in my view, hijacked to serve the interests of an individual against the interests of the broader public...It was unconscionable.”

Unconscionable, indeed. But let’s not forget that the principled Mr. Bangert chose to work for Ken Paxton. He moved his family here to work for Ken Paxton. He respected Ken Paxton as an alleged person. He discussed sharing lunch at Polvos with Ken Paxton and Nate Paul. No doubt they ate quesadilla compuestas, those phonies.

As for Bangert, he is now gainfully employed at the conservative Christian law firm Alliance Defending Freedom, which “advances the God-given right to live and speak the Truth.” For Christians. Everyone else should shut their heathen pieholes.

ADF is designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Now I realize that SPLC basically designates every organization as a hate group, including a handful of renegade girl scout troops, but this one tracks.

Speaking of good and honorable Christians, the proceedings are expected to include details of Paxton’s in flagrante delicto (Medieval Latin for grosser than gross) extramarital affair which led to a massive coverup. His betrayed wife is State Senator Angela Paxton, who will be played by Lifetime favorite Nancy McKeon in the inevitable made-for-TV movie.

Ken will not appear in the movie since he will be in prison.

A Woman Scorned: The Angela Paxton Story.