The Magic School Board

Grapevine ISD, God & holy wifi.

I’ve written a great deal about removing salacious books from schools and public libraries in order to save our children from “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret,” which is now a pornographic motion picture. Jennifer Garner, for shame.

I’m lucky enough to remember when school board candidates were bored stay-at-home moms whose tennis pros had just retired. The elections were largely funded by Duncan Hines cupcakes and sunshine, and the board was flexible enough to allow mom to pick up her daughter early at tap dancing because the teacher said she was completely devoid of talent. Right?

Now, as we all know, things have gotten much more complicated. And scary. Like, Poltergeist twins scary.

Take the Grapevine-Colleyville Independent School District. Personally I had never heard of Grapevine, never mind Colleyville, but what’s going on in this quiet Dallas suburb is just a harbinger of things to come. That’s right. End Times. Precursor to The Rapture. Precursor to Eternal Salvation or Eternal Damnation. (I think I can say with some certainty that I fall into that first category.)

The election will be decided on Saturday, May 6. You’ll know who won when the skies open up and the clouds part and the unmistakable voice of Jesus says, “This is my chosen one.”

Megachurch pastor and former Trump spiritual adviser Robert Morris warned his congregation that “Satan was at work” in area schools and can only be stopped by evangelical Christians. Dude. Satan’s got better things going on than the Grapevine school board like war, famine, getting the cast of “Quantum Leap” back together again, and tending to his alter-ego, ChatGPT.

At a political rally, Rafael Cruz, the father who sired Ted Cruz and therefore should be forever cursed, spoke of an “evil agenda,” saying that Christians are “the only thing that stands between the destruction of America or the revival of America.” Well if they’re the only ones standing between our destruction or revival, we’re pretty much screwed.

Don’t get me wrong. The Grapevine school board candidates are not all far-right Christians. There’s also a group supported by a PAC opposed to religion in public schools, a group of disillusioned moderate conservatives, and a couple divorcees who thought the board would be a good place to meet women.

The most conservative Christian candidates are being bankrolled by Patriot Mobile, “America’s Only Christian Conservative Wireless Provider.” What does that even mean? A wifi network that spits out tunes from Michael W. Smith and quotes Kirk Cameron? If I switch networks, would I get a new phone bathed in the eternal flames of baptismal fire?

I think I’ll stick with Verizon. Godspeed, Grapevine.