Thanksgiving Roast

The peaceful transfer of power & the perfect table.

Let me be the first to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Personally I consider the Thanksgiving holiday as simply a necessary speed bump on the way to Christmas. I’ve already turned on the traditional yuletide log on my TV and mailed my list to Santa.

Of course there are many things to be thankful for. For one, now that pilgrims are no longer celebrated because apparently they were all a bunch of assholes, I don’t have to wear my smock and waistcoat and scoop out spoon bread to guests. And second, Merrick Garland just appointed a special counsel named Jack Smith (no relation that I know of) to determine “whether any person or entity unlawfully interfered with the transfer of power following the 2020 presidential election.” Wait! Wait! I know this one!

When I first saw a picture of Jack Smith on the front page of the Sunday Times, I thought, why is there a mug shot of our special counsel? He looks like some guy who’s been court-ordered to attend AA meetings after being arrested for intoxication and lewd conduct not becoming a man of his standing. At the very least, I hope he shaves.

I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year which is funny since I can’t cook which means I’m delegating everything to my guests. This leaves me in charge of decorations (tasteful personal-sized cornucopias filled with leftover Halloween candy). Earlier today my husband asked me MORE THAN ONCE if I knew how to “set a table.” And I’m like, of course I know how to set a table! I went to private school! But that didn’t stop him from googling it.

If anyone thinks they’re getting a separate wine glass for white and one for red, they’re in for a big Thanksgiving surprise. I’m the type of person who has no problem mixing wine instead of waiting to finish what I have in my glass. You can never be too sure that the bottle won’t be empty by then.

Happy Thanksgiving.