Send Lawyers, Guns and Voters

The Texas House takes on gun control the only way they know how. Badly.

This week two Texas House committees advanced bills concerning guns. One voted to raise the minimum age to purchase AR-15-style rifles from 18 to 21. The second voted to allow poll workers and election judges to arm themselves at polling places. Guess which bill will actually pass? If you guessed minimum age, you’re an eternal optimist whose soul will one day be crushed. Like, today.

The measure to raise the minimum age was not placed on the calendar as of Tuesday night, which means it didn’t have the votes to bring it to the House floor. What a bunch of sniveling cowardly hypocrites whose mouths are overflowing with Devil Vomit. (And that’s bad, beating out Drunk Girl Vomit, Baby Formula Vomit, and Sushi Food Poisoning Vomit. Combined.)

What is WRONG with these boneheads? Even though poll after poll shows that the majority of Americans—even Texans, y’all!—support common sense gun control, Texas Republicans remain blissfully and purposely unaware, instead focusing on outlawing gender diversity and removing 92.5% of books from library shelves.

A new poll from the Texas Politics Project/UT found that 76% of Texas voters support raising the legal age to purchase firearms. Even 64% of Republican voters support it. From my calculations, that means, like, a lot.

However, not surprisingly, Governor Greg Abbott has no intention of supporting any legislation to raise the minimum age because it’s not about guns it’s about mental health and blah blah blah. Someone tell this pious churchgoing man that he’ll have to answer to His God about everything he should've done on earth but failed to do. No doubt I will be on the jury. He’s toast.

Meanwhile Frisco Republican Rep. Jared Patterson of the Frisco Pattersons sponsored the legislation that would allow poll workers to carry guns, which he clearly filed on a dare from a six-year-old. As usual, my heart goes out to such hapless victims of abject stupidity but this guy is, to use a clinical term, a doozie.

According to Patterson, his bill will “make it clear that law-abiding citizens who are election judges who want to carry to protect themselves and discharge their duties can do so legally without fear of prosecution.”

Girl. Have you seen the poll workers at your voting location lately? Most of the poll workers in my precinct are like 98 years old with arthritic bird hands and at least one glass eye. You don’t want to arm these people.

Actually what you really don’t want to do is arm the people who are delusional enough to think that they’re saving democracy by intimidating voters with their guns, bedazzled articles of clothing, and hopelessly bloated self-esteem.

But to be fair, Patterson said that election workers can only carry guns at polling places where guns are already allowed.

“This isn’t an across-the-board everybody gets guns, we’re arming people outside en masse with guns as people walk in” to polling places, Patterson said. “This is not Nicaragua.”

Well you know what they say. If you ever want to win an argument, compare it to one of the poorest countries in the Americas ruled by a dictatorship. Touché, Patterson. Touché.

(That’s French for dumbass. Look it up.)