Of Biblical Distortions

On Easter, bible peddling & Christian Patriots.

I used to think that Easter Sunday was about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. But apparently, it’s another marketing ploy to sell Bibles. And these aren’t just any Bibles.

These are Real America Bibles. They’re Donald Trump Bibles. Signed by Donald Trump himself because apparently Jesus is “too busy” being “risen from the dead.”

Yes, the ex-president but really still-president is selling Bibles for the low, low price of $59.99. Basically because he’s broke. And also, it’s apparently his “favorite book.”

I almost respect the man for saying that with a straight face when we all know he can’t read. (Incidentally, I have two equally favorite books: “The Great Gatsby” and “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.”)

The first apostle born with porcelain veneers.

The bad thing about the King James Bible has always been that it’s not patriotic enough and also kind of snore. Trump’s Bible includes a handwritten chorus to “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood; the U.S. Constitution; the Bill of Rights; the Declaration of Independence; the Pledge of Allegiance; and a tasteful centerfold of Kirk Cameron.

On the GodBlessTheUSABible.com website (I knew I should have secured that domain name), Trump appears in a video holding the USA Bible, which immediately turns to dust. What a total con man. He’s like the door-to-door Britannica Encyclopedia salesman who suckered my mother into buying the complete leather-bound set.

Often confused with the Bible but better for 1980s homework.

In the video, Trump says that “all Americans should have a Bible in their home and I have many.” Seriously? You have more than one Bible? Is one reserved for crossing out the Ten Commandments? (Up top.)

This Bible is also “endorsed by Donald Trump.” Because who could trust the Holy Scripture if it wasn’t backed by a credible source?

Speaking of Easter, today is Holy Thursday, meaning you should offer to wash the feet of the first stranger you see even if they call 911. As a Catholic, I can tell you that the real meaning of Holy Week is to suffer through countless hours of church, including reading the Passion in its entirety, which takes roughly 17 hours.

Next, it’s Good Friday, where you’re supposed to sit in church following the Stations of the Cross and praying the rosary to free some poor undeserving souls from purgatory. That’s usually when I fall asleep, meaning that at least 50 souls will not be released for another 500 years. My bad.

Also, on Good Friday Christians can’t eat meat. If you’re a non-Christian, you should eat all the meat you can now because as far as I know they don’t serve ribeye in hell.

No matter how many Bibles you own.