NOW I'M FREAKING OUT

We're all anxious. In other news, let's state the obvious.

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force (previously known as the now defunct “CDC”) is recommending that primary care physicians screen all adults under 65 for anxiety even if they’re not displaying any symptoms (cold sweats, difficulty concentrating, binge-watching true crime documentaries).

First of all, adults over 65 should totally be screened. They’re old, their bodies are breaking down, and they sit around all day flipping between The Weather Channel and Fox News. How could they not be anxious? Second, I don’t go for my annual physicals to receive psychological screenings. I go to sit in the waiting room for three hours and catch up on those wacky hijinks of Goofus and Gallant!

Wacky hijinks of Goofus and Gallant, Highlights Magazine, circa 1886

Apparently these new recommendations were created before Covid-19 but now they’re clearly necessary considering quarantine, mask mandates, temporary memory loss, and those anxiety-inducing forced family game nights.

Are these people NUTS? I go to see my doctor once a year so I can get more prescription refills, not so she can tell me what I already know. I’ve suffered from anxiety ever since I snuck downstairs when I was 10 and watched The Day After. From then on, any time a plane flew overhead, I raced to my makeshift underground bunker which was really a 2-foot hole I dug in our flower garden.

According to the task force, the benefits of screening outweigh potential risks such as a faulty diagnosis and mandatory 24-hour hold in a mental health facility. Oops!

Roughly 40% of U.S. women report having suffered from anxiety or at least they think they’re suffering from anxiety because their doctor tells them, You’re suffering from anxiety. It’s a gentler way of saying, You’re a woman. You’re obviously hysterical.

Of course there’s clinical anxiety and clinical depression. Like real mental conditions, not, I went through a pandemic and now I’m gluten-intolerant and afraid of bread so give me Zoloft. And the doctor will be more than happy to hand out a diagnosis and drugs because they’re probably getting paid tens of thousands of dollars to appear at medical conferences to talk about their anxious patients, and then all the medical professionals have a good laugh because they think we’re stupid.

The screening test is basically a questionnaire asking about fears, worries and how much you drink on any given night. (Do not answer this question honestly or you’ll be judged by the judge-y nurse practioner who will look at you disapprovingly and write it down on your chart. IN PEN.)

The main issue here is whether your anxiety is affecting your ability to take your dog on walks. Although the routine screening may identify you as someone in need of immediate help, the task force acknowledges that there’s a shortage of mental health professionals so you’ll have difficulty finding one. And if you do, they definitely won’t take your insurance.

So basically this new screening is, how do I put this, a complete scam. And let’s be honest. The doctor gives you about two minutes of their time at most. There’s no way they’ll be conducting any questionnaires on their lunatic patients. These are anxious times, people. And your copay just went up.