New Year's Revolutions
Baby New Year, Dry January & Civil War.
Earlier this week, Father Time officially handed over the universal clock to a drooling idiot still in diapers whose concept of space and time revolves around pooping and throwing tantrums.
But enough about Trump. (Up top.)
Let’s kick off this first post of 2024 with the thing that bothers me most about the new year. The sanctimonious “Dry January” people, those same people who tell you they’ve given up coffee and now just drink herbal tea. I’ve got an idea. Instead of “Dry January,” why don’t you try “Dry December”? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T DO IT CAN YOU.
Who in their right mind is going to take a month-long break from drinking during the holiday season in between swapping Covid stories with relatives (still!) and engaging in heated arguments about whether Die Hard is a holiday movie. (It’s not.) Like I’m going to go solo caroling without a couple of hot toddies under my belt. (I do a haunting rendition of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”)
Now that it’s finally 2024, it’s time to start getting excited/terrified about the upcoming presidential election rematch. I say “rematch” because even if Trump finds himself in prison, he’ll dig his way out with a rock hammer through a hole he’s been hiding behind a poster of Raquel Welch to accept his party’s nomination.
At one point I thought Nikki Haley looked like a promising candidate but then she screwed it all up by saying that the Civil War was not about slavery. My GOD, woman. I mean, maybe that works for your average yokel down in Clover, South Cackalacky but it doesn’t play so well in New Hampshire.
In response to a question at a town hall about the cause of the Civil War, Haley responded that it was “basically how government was going to run, the freedoms and what people could and couldn’t do.” She went on to say that it was really about individual rights. I have a feeling that history wouldn’t agree with her but history is a fickle maiden.
What is WRONG with her? That’s a SOFTBALL question. All you have to say is, it was the scourge of slavery, an abomination upon our nation’s history that we are still grappling with today. As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.”
Welcome to 2024. It’s been waiting for you.