Oh Nikki You're So Fine

On politics, sexism, and being in your prime.

Have you ever played that game at dinner parties where you go around the table naming the Republican presidential nominee that you’d vote for if you had to? Because these are exactly the kind of games I like to play. It’s better than having to say something nice about the person sitting next to you and I can never think of anything so I just say, You’re tall.

I would say Liz Cheney but the rules (rule #67, to be exact) clearly state that you can’t name someone who is not actually in the race. In other words, Mike Pence. (Up top.) So that brings me to Nikki Haley. You know her. The only Republican woman of Indian descent running for president. (No, I’m not counting Vivek Ramaswamy. Because he’s not a woman. He’s just a dick.)

Speaking of Liz Cheney, I’m dressing as her for Halloween. I already have her hair. I have smart-looking glasses. I just need a blue suit, sensible pumps, pearls and Donald Trump by the balls. If that doesn’t work out, I can repurpose most of that and go as Linda Tripp.

I will also walk around with a dais.

That being said, I would vote for Nikki if I had to. Like if someone threatened to take away my Starbucks points or Amazon Prime status. She looks pretty solid on Wikipedia, which is how I get all my information. Former Governor of South Carolina, UN Ambassador. My resume kind of reads like hers. Former Governor of Cherrywood, Ambassador of Cool.

Although I pretty much disagree with her on every single issue, she’s the best they’ve got. Plus, she’s a woman. I make sure to tell my 9-year-old daughter that she must always support women because we’re women and everything is harder for women and that’s why we were forced to take home ec in school but, really, I wouldn’t have wanted to take shop either and THAT’S why.

Remember when Don Lemon said that Nikki, at 51, “isn’t in her prime”? And a woman is only considered to be in her prime in her 20s and 30s and maybe 40s? Believe me when I say that I get better every year. Me and Lesley Stahl.

Nikki once said that she was inspired to run for office by Hillary Clinton. Good God. If anything, that should inspire you not to run for office. Have you ever seen anyone take so many hits for being a woman as Hillary Clinton? Incidentally I once dressed as Hillary for Halloween. Not my finest moment.

Not my finest moment.

In the last debate, Nikki told Vivek, “Honestly every time I hear you, I feel a little bit dumber for what you say.” I love that. I’ve tried to memorize it so I can use it for my own personal gain but since I’m well past my prime, I keep forgetting.