Kinky Friedman

Poisoned libraries, damaged souls and raunchy flower sex.

I’ve always been a book person. My sister read like three books a day which made me feel less than so I put down my doll Sugar Plum (gently, in her crib) and started speed reading to catch up with her. I was always playing catch up, really. We were both in Catholic school until she tested out because she got in to the public school’s “gifted and talented” program. My parents had me tested, too. Needless to say, they kept me in Catholic school.

But back to books. The paper kind with the hard covers that you actually read on a PAGE and not on a SCREEN. I was an English major before going to grad school for journalism where I learned that the printed word was sacred and that newspaper students would always be less attractive than broadcast.

Back then, there were no real book-banning crusaders like there are today, unless you count Footloose, which I always do. For everything. According to the Popular Information political newsletter, things are getting even shadier. And by shadier, I mean, there’s a man named Bruce Friedman who’s really shady.

This year alone, school libraries in Clay County, Florida, of which Friedman is a proud resident, have had to remove 102 books because of this man. Now before you judge Clay County, you should know that they have a decent-looking courthouse.

Friedman has compiled a list of over 3,600 titles with “concerning content” such as “porn, critical race theory, social-emotional learning, and fluid gender.” In what universe is social-emotional learning controversial? Should we instead be raising an army of cyborgs? Hairless cats? Hayden Christensens?

According to Popular Information, Friedman says his extensive list of 3,000+ books proves that libraries have “poison” in them. Actually I think that if the list proves anything, it’s that Friedman should get a real job.

One book that made the naughty list is “The Girl from the Sea,” a novel about a teen girl rescued from drowning by a mystical figure and then develops feelings for her. Kind of like “The Little Mermaid” but much, much racier. Friedman says the book is really for “slightly post-pubescent little lesbians.” He couldn’t be more wrong. Everyone knows that the classic book written for slightly post-pubescent little lesbians was “Frog and Toad are Friends.”

When citing books for emergency removal before all of our kids turn into non-binary amphibians, Friedman provides reasons such as “protect children,” “inappropriate content,” and “damaged souls.” Good Lord. Wait until he hears about those all-gender soul-crushing bathroom raves.

Many of the books Friedman objects to meet that inappropriate content clause. According to Friedman, “You don’t want little children questioning their budding little bodies.” OK, gross. What I don’t want is for dirty old men to be focusing on “budding little bodies.”

Friedman also wants his 15-year-old son “to be in the public school system and come home unharmed.” I feel so sorry for that boy. It’s like the kids whose parents didn’t want them to attend sex ed (which mostly consisted of stamens, pistils and pollination) so they received a pass to the library where they hid behind bookshelves hoping that none of their floral-reproductive-savvy classmates could see them.

That will never work in Friedman’s America. The bookshelves will be empty. And those loser kids will be exposed.