Freedom Fighters

The 4th, the flag, the patriots & the lawsuit.

This year on the 4th I will be flying into DC, which means that when the fireworks go off, I will be screaming at my fellow passengers ALIEN INVASION JUST AS THE DRUIDS PREDICTED before surveying the plane to see who might be strong enough to help me build a viable resistance. The rest of them will no doubt become food. 

I always know when the 4th is coming by all the Ukrainian flags flying in my East Austin neighborhood. Personally I have no problem with American flags. We actually have one in our vegetable garden right now which consists of a dying tomato vine, hopelessly dried out mint and rosemary, and my mother-in-law who is trying to save everything.

I may not wear red, white and blue bedazzled denim jackets with matching overalls and the requisite Uncle Sam hat but that doesn’t mean I’m Aldrich Ames. (For one, he was much more attractive than me.)

But when did the right wing conservatives commandeer Independence Day and make it their own? Do t-shirts portraying Trump as Rambo mean you’re more of a patriot than people who’ve actually read the Constitution? Because I’ve read part of it. Snorefest.

Are we saying that the dude in a truck plastered with an American eagle breaking out of an American flag next to a cartoon of Calvin peeing on some other truck a true American? I recited the Pledge of Allegiance every morning at my Catholic school and played Hail to the Redskins on my flute every afternoon. It seriously doesn’t get any more American than that.

Between banning library books and trying to shut down the Magic Kingdom, conservatives believe they’re fighting for freedom by taking freedoms away from other people. I don’t think that’s what our forefathers intended but then I’m no Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Speaking of freedoms, last week the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Lorie Smith, the Colorado woman who filed a federal lawsuit so she wouldn’t have to create websites for gay weddings based on her religious beliefs and right to free speech. Her lawsuit cited a request from a man only known as “Stewart” who never actually requested her website services. Which is funny since it made it all the way to the Supreme Court.

It gets better. Smith wasn’t offering wedding website services when the suit was filed. It gets even better. “Stewart” has been happily married for 15 years—to a woman. (I used the emdash for additional emphasis and dramatic flair.)

Here’s one of Smith’s website designs. So you can see why she’s in such high demand.

This is a gay lion known as “Stewart.”

However you celebrate the 4th, make sure you raise your Bud Light (if Kid Rock hasn’t shot all of them) to the truest American among us, Lorie Smith. If it weren’t for her bravery in the face of wokeness, she would be forced to design same-sex wedding websites for imaginary gay clients.

That’s my America.