Drinking Games
Republican women, signature cocktails & deviated septums.
The above photo of an impossibly tiny bar was taken at Tuesday’s New Hampshire Federation of Republican Women’s Lilac Lunch, or NHFORWLL for short. The featured drink was the “MAGA Mimosa.”
What exactly is a MAGA Mimosa? Trump doesn’t drink so does that mean it’s just Tang mixed with nothing? Are you seriously charging $9 for a mock-mosa? I mean, mimosas are lame enough. I should know because I order them at brunch while everyone else orders Bloody Marys. But the last time I had vodka was when I tried to impress someone by throwing up. First dates are hard.
Also, what’s with the Bud Light? I thought conservatives were BOYCOTTING Bud Light. I thought they were like shooting cans of Bud Light because they used a transgender influencer in their advertising campaign. (Bud Light, not the conservatives. As far as they know.)
So I thought I’d conduct some scientific research into Republican women voters and here’s what ChatGPT told me: In 2020 43% of women voters identified as Republicans and 57% identified as Democrats. Then I asked who was hotter, Republican women or Democratic women.
Come on, man. That’s an easy one. But it spouted out this nonsense about beauty being “subjective” and how it’s “not appropriate” to compare the physical appearance of individuals based on their political beliefs.
Dude. If I wanted to be scolded for my inane views, I would travel back in time to my much better self. This is why I’m glad AI is just a fad.
Yes, I’ve always been a bit of a tech visionary. When I was in college, this guy was talking about some new revolutionary tool called “email” that would change the way we communicate forever. And I was all, NERD ALERT, as I faxed in my essay to my English professor.
But I digress. Women in this country can make or break a politician, from the school board to the White House. Women could have elected the first woman president but instead we got Teetotaler Trump. Older women are especially culpable because they’re old and bitter and their grandkids never come to visit because why would they.
And then there’s Biden. It turns out that women don’t really like Biden anymore because of his age (112 years young!) and his sleep apnea. Due to the volume and overall gross factor of my snoring, I’m fairly certain I have sleep apnea as well. But I refuse to wear one of those CPAP masks that make you look like Snuffleupagus. I’d much rather just keep my husband awake.
Anyway, ladies. It’s time to put aside our political differences and elect RFK, Jr. I’ve even created a signature cocktail for our next fundraiser: the “Vaccination Slammer.” Served with a conspiracy chaser.