I Have Met the Enemy and She is Me

AARP, undecided grandmas who vote & other useless members of society.

I’m not one to criticize my own demographic but middle-aged women should be ashamed of themselves. According to a recent AARP poll (via The 19th), more than half of older women voters remain undecided about who they will back in the midterm elections. (Incidentally I received my first AARP magazine this year and immediately handed it back to the postal officer saying he had the wrong address and he looked at me and said, No, clearly I don’t.)

How is it possible that these less-young women—who represent the largest voting demographic—are still undecided? The midterm election is less than THREE WEEKS AWAY. What’s going to help them decide? A month of free hormone replacement therapy and elite access at JOANN Fabrics?

These swing voters, as in “to swing,” may hold all the power on Election Day in their veiny little crow hands. And although Roe v. Wade is somewhat on their mind, they’re more worried about their precious Social Security than the joyous trampling of women’s rights. Do you have any idea what you’re doing? Have you forgotten who you were? You guys used to burn your BRAS at protest rallies. Now you just wear bras that, let’s be honest, need much better support.

Don’t even get me started on independents. Being indecisive is a weakness. Being indecisive means you’re the type of person who drags your maid of honor around while you try on 138 wedding dresses before settling on borrowing hers.

Remember those pivotal voting groups that got all the attention back in the day? I’m talking soccer moms, security moms, latte liberals, Mama Grizzlies, and mortgage moms (for a hot minute). First of all, they should really give some air time to women who aren’t moms. They probably drink lattes too. Alone. Second, what are we going to call these senior women? The Lonely Grandmas? Hoarders of Hallmark Cards? Where Did I Put My Teeth-ers?

I realize that most old ladies look out the window all day while talking to their cats and sucking on Werther’s but if you still don’t know who to vote for, then you should probably abstain. Cocoon has got to be on Netflix that day.