Confederacy of Dunces

This is the Cabinet that we deserve.

Well, here we are. My prayers to turn back time have been categorically denied, as most of my prayers are, but I mistakenly thought I had enough saved up in the prayer bank (it’s like a tip jar for God). Is praying for Superman to become real so he can fly around the Earth’s perimeter in hyper speed thereby reversing the planet’s rotation and time along with it? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Apparently it is too much to ask.

We are entering a second Trump presidency and there is literally nothing we can do about it. It’s like that flume ride at Disney where you realize you’re about to go over the enormous waterfall so you start screaming and the photographer down below gets a picture of you looking like a drenched cat which someone will inevitably use for their annual Christmas card. “Hope your new year gives you chills!”

Pictured in front: Drenched cat.

To be honest, I hadn’t been keeping up with the news since Election Day as my mental health is already severely compromised. I was picking up medication refill(s) at Walgreens the other day and there was this huge line and I’m all, YOU AMATEURS! LET THE PREFERRED CUSTOMERS GO FIRST!

However, try as I may, I couldn’t avoid hearing about Trump’s cabinet picks which are, of course, random and absurd. It’s as if Trump was asked one of those excruciating table topics about who he would want to have dinner with if he could choose anyone in the world and he said, all the assholes.

(Another important meaning of life question is apparently, “If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?” Who plays this game?)

So we might as well start with everyone’s favorite sex trafficker, Rep. Matt Gaetz, nominated for attorney general. The DOJ had been investigating him for sex trafficking but I think it’s a safe bet that the case is now closed and relegated to that secret warehouse containing the Ark of the Covenant.

In a stunning rendition of “Catch Me If You Can,” Matt also resigned from Congress to escape their investigation into his sexual misconduct, sex with minors, illicit drug use, obscene amounts of hair gel, taxpayer-funded botox and fillers, and porn peddling.

Speaking of porn (I’ve always wanted to use that segue), did you know his wife’s name is Ginger Luckey? And I’m pretty sure that’s her real name, not her fake porn name that combines the name of your first dog with the first name of the street you grew up on. Mine is Muffin Forest. Why would I make that up?

Next we have RFK, Jr., everyone’s favorite anti-vaccine, anti-whale, anti-bear, conspiracy theorist wackadoo, to head the Department of Health and Human Services. Whoever was interviewing RFK, Jr. forgot to ask one of the most standard questions for any high-level government position: “This is just a formality but have you ever had a worm chewing on your brain like it’s dog excrement?”

Then there’s some guy named Pete Hegseth, the nominee for Defense secretary, who served in the army before landing a sweet Fox News gig as a co-host of “Fox & Friends,” the poor man’s “The View.” He’s against women serving in the military when they should be serving tuna noodle casseroles.

Then there’s Marco Rubio, who has been tapped for Secretary of State. Good luck following Antony Blinken, the thinking woman’s heartthrob. Unfortunately Little Marco is seemingly the most normal person in this cabinet, even if he does have freakishly small hands.

World’s worst bingo card.

Rounding out the ship of fools is a known puppy killer, a Russian girlfriend, a baby formula fascist, an anti-Semite, more than one January 6 enthusiast, a proud Episcopalian, a homophobic Hawaiian vegan, a face-eating serial killer, and two guys named “Elon” and “Vivek” who will run the “Department of Government Efficiency.” It’s so cute that they think that’s a real department. It’s like Goldie Hawn in “Protocol.” But, in the end, isn’t everything?

World’s worst bingo card courtesy of NYT.