Bad Medicine

Measles outbreaks, vaccines, cod liver oil & falconers.

It was one thing for RFK Jr. to spew lies about vaccines and embrace wacky conspiracy theories and drop off dead bear cubs in Central Park and use a chainsaw on a beached whale — let’s write those off as youthful indiscretions of a spry 55-year-old. It’s another thing, however, to be the nation’s public health czar and assure people that measles can be cured with a healthy diet.

I’ve never contracted measles myself but I did get chicken pox when I was in middle school. It was horrible but it was even worse for my two older sisters who got it from me. They had The Pox everywhere and spent weeks looking like red-speckled freaks. As you can imagine, they brought much shame upon our family crest.

After conducting a thorough Bing search, I discovered that if you were born between 1960 and 1989 (guilty!), your MMR vaccine was probably only a single dose instead of two. So you can go get a blood test to see if you still have antibodies, or you can be a rebel. I’m torn because the last time I got vaxxed, it was a Covid booster which triggered a scorching case of overnight scarlet fever with intermittent chills and frequent delusions.

In West Texas and New Mexico, there have now been 250 cases and counting because of this complete idiot who has claimed that we’ve had measles outbreaks every year so, that’s a big yawn-whatever.

A week ago, he wrote an op-ed about how vaccines are a “personal choice” and instead you should be plying your children with vitamins and room temperature milk. He also warned of the potential risks associated with the measles vaccine like, for example, not contracting measles.

Can you even imagine if he had been in charge during the Covid pandemic? We’d all be dead right now, clutching our Dr. Oz supplements, half-empty colloidal silver liquid bottles, and various household disinfectants until being eaten by zombies.

I mean, RFK Jr. thinks that everything, including measles, can be solved with vitamin A and cod liver oil. Luckily vitamin A isn’t going to kill you. But cod liver oil will definitely ruin any potential romantic interests.

Anyway we all know that this seasoned falconer would rather be falconing than running the Department of Health. During his failed presidential campaign, you could have spent the day with him. Him and his winged doppelganger.

Win a Day of Complete Terror with RFK Jr.!

Do you all remember that Republican Senator physician who said he couldn’t in good conscience vote for an anti-vaxxer but then voted for him anyway? Bill Cassidy from Louisiana. He said he’d decided to vote yes after he was assured by RFK Jr. that he wouldn’t pursue an anti-vaccine agenda. GOOD MOVE CASSIDY. Always take a liar at his word.

Speaking of health, today’s breaking news — similar to every other day’s breaking news reminding us our lives are being ruined — the teetotaler-in-chief is threatening to slap 200% tariffs on alcohol from Europe in his ongoing trade war with himself.

“If this Tariff is not removed immediately, the U.S. will shortly place a 200% Tariff on all WINES, CHAMPAGNES, & ALCOHOLIC PRODUCTS COMING OUT OF FRANCE AND OTHER E.U. REPRESENTED COUNTRIES. This will be great for the Wine and Champagne businesses in the U.S.”

NO IT WON’T. What a moron. All this will do is force me to drink happy hour mocktails with all the other losers. Anyway, I hear French wine is a perfect antidote for the measles. I read it on Facebook.