50 Shades of WTF

The confidential sources that could've changed the race if only we knew who they were.

I did it. I read it. And I hid it inside the pages of “Ulysses.” I mean, look at this cover. It’s like something out of “50 Shades of Grey.”

Original Sin: Memoir of a Sexual Deviant in a Necktie

The book would be a good beach read if you enjoyed, say, Atul Gawande’s “Being Mortal.” Laugh riot. “Original Sin” is depressing and infuriating. And there aren’t even any sample Q&As in the back for lively book club discussions. (Another mention of his unfortunate childhood stutter! Drink!)

In fact, there were so many unnamed sources that it was hard to keep them straight, even with multiple cryptic poster boards taped to the walls in my shed. Such as “Senior Leadership,” “Democratic Insider,” “Cabinet Member Number One” and “George Clooney.” Honestly, I haven’t seen this many confidential sources since I wrote my thesis and did zero reporting. (Busted.)

So out of all of the hundreds of sources, only around a dozen were actually named. It’s not that I don’t believe people were expressing deep concerns over Biden but I’d like to see at least some people on the record. It’s not that difficult. You talk to someone, you assure them it’s on background and then you use the quote anyway. Journalism 101.

Also, I’m not sure what to make of the fact that the authors can apparently read minds. In italics. For example, “There were career prosecutors who thought to themselves, Holy crap, the president clearly broke the law!” I mean, sure, at times I can look at someone and kind of guess what they’re thinking but I never come up with more than, “I wish this woman would stop talking to me.”

Here’s an important question you won’t find in the book. When is it the reporter’s obligation to disclose information such as a president’s cognitive decline and when is it acceptable to withhold this information so you can write a bestseller after the fact? In basically every chapter, the authors bemoan the fate of the president, the party, the country but why didn’t they write about it before the convention? Or even sooner, like in 2019?

I don’t say this lightly, mostly because it seems grammatically incorrect, but that is some real jackassery right there.

“All the President’s Men” was published in The Washington Post months before Nixon resigned. It’s doubtful that he would’ve left office without their reporting. Plus “Deep Throat” was a much more colorful pseudonym than “Cabinet Member Number Two Once Removed.”

Let’s wait until Nixon destroys the country.

Of COURSE Biden should’ve been a one-term president. Of COURSE he should’ve bowed out earlier. He should’ve passed the baton to Kamala following his first term or there should’ve been an open primary but then we would’ve had to suffer through a candidate like Gavin Newsom.

“Original Sin” is, to quote an unnamed source, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. You’ve been warned.