You Need to Calm Down
On the debate, celebrity endorsements, endangered pets & tasty bait.
Tuesday night was a historic evening that will be remembered as one of the most, if not the most, consequential moments in the presidential race. It was the outcome that everyone had been waiting for but no one dared say it out loud for fear that it wouldn’t come true. But she did it.
That’s right. Taylor Swift endorsed Kamala for president. Even CNN broke away from its roundtable discussion to announce this breaking news. Then they tried to move on but Dana Bash wouldn’t let it go, saying, “If we could just go back to Taylor Swift…” NO DANA BAD DANA.
Yes, we finally have Taylor Swift but Trump has Kid Rock so, you know, kind of a tie. Although I finally found out that one of Taylor’s three cats is named Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson has been my hero since SVU premiered 67 years ago.
I bet Kid Rock doesn’t even have pets. And if he did, and he lived in Springfield, Ohio as a Haitian immigrant, he would no doubt steal them from unsuspecting households and EAT THEM. First the cats, then the dogs. (In the meantime, hide your pets. Or disguise the reptiles as JD Vance.)
Prior to the debate, people were talking about how short Kamala is and how she probably wouldn’t be able to see over the podium and how that’s not presidential and SHE’S NOT SHORT. She’s 5’4”. That’s average height for a woman. I should know. I’m 5’4” although I look much taller.
When I was little, I was so freakishly small that my parents took me to some pediatric endocrinologist who examined me for about two seconds and concluded that I would never reach five feet and, therefore, most likely never amount to anything. I’d love to look this quack up so I could be all REMEMBER ME? But he must be like 110 years old now so, probably not.
In case you didn’t catch the debate, Kamala won bigly. To say she wiped the floor with her opponent would be an understatement. She didn’t just wipe the floor with him, she dug a hole into the floor and shoved him in. And then she moved all the furniture to cover the hole.
On every issue, Trump couldn’t resist taking the bait. In between his gross mouth breathing and incessant sniffling, he talked about the size of his rallies (which has just gotten so tiresome). He talked about the good people on January 6 and how he didn’t have anything to do with it (which has just gotten so tiresome).
Trump’s description of Kamala’s economic plan was that it’s only like four lines, as in, “Run, Spot, run.” I’m no mathematician but I’m pretty sure that’s not four lines. It’s not even four words. That’s three words. Lifted from those beloved books of your childhood, “Fun With Dick and Jane.”
Trump ranted about rigged elections and sacrificial babies and how our country blows and how much foreign leaders adore him especially his good friend Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban, a known right-wing fascist, dictator and Putinist. In other words, Trump Lite.
Speaking of Putin, one of my favorite moments of the debate was when Kamala told Trump that Putin would eat him for lunch. That is a classic throw down. You don’t come back from that quickly. And everyone knows you’d pair that lunch with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
This post is an insult to reptiles everywhere.