You Don't Bring Me Acquittals Anymore

So you'd think I could learn how to tell you goodbye.

State Sen. Angela Paxton is now single. Get in line, boys.

The once-loyal wife of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, a real stand-by-your-criminal kind of gal, has filed for divorce “on biblical grounds,” which is Christian for “having sexual relations outside of marriage while vacationing in Sodom and Gomorrah.” She also cryptically mentioned “recent discoveries.” What could you possibly have discovered after almost 40 years of marriage? That he’s actually your cousin?

Naturally, the couple shared their devastating news separately on X.

This is heresy. Paxton’s post only gets 2.3M views as opposed to Angelas’s 15.9M views. Loser. The interesting part, outside of bringing God into their meaningless lives, is that Ken posted his like 20 minutes after his wife did. You just know he was livid that she beat him to it. He probably went right out and obstructed some more justice to make himself feel better.

In Angela’s petition, she accused Ken of adultery (with a woman he didn’t even have to pay, allegedly) and reported that they hadn’t even been living together since last summer because of her incessant nagging.

This divorce filing is not going to help his Senate campaign against John Cornyn. Unless it does. And you can quote me on that.

They will no longer be following Christ together. Broken heart emoji.

I hope the Paxtons will find the strength to reflect on happier times. Like the time they hauled ass out of their house to avoid the person trying to serve Ken a subpoena. They actually left the scene in a pick-up truck, like the poor man’s Thelma and Louise.

Or the time that Angela watched Ken’s impeachment proceedings as witnesses revealed sordid details about his affair. Much better than dinner and a movie.

Both of these individuals promote themselves as true apostles of the Lord. In fact, Ken proudly took on the role of Moses, forcing public schools to display the Ten Commandments. Oh, Ken. Do you really want to do that?

1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shall not have strange gods before Me. Fail.

2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Fail.

3. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s day. Doubtful.

4. Honor thy father and mother. Not sure he actually came from humans.

5. Thou shall not kill. I don’t have any proof but it’s a definite possibility.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Too easy.

7. Thou shall not steal. Fail.

8. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Fail.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Depends on the neighbor but the coveting of said neighbor is highly likely.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s goods. See above.