Word to Your Moms, I Came to Drop F Bombs

Obliteration, alliteration and abomination.

Last weekend, the U.S. bombed three Iranian nuclear sites. In his news conference, which I refused to watch on principle, Trump claimed that it was a “spectacular military success” and that the nuclear facilities had been “totally obliterated.” Speaking of totally obliterated, I’m sure Pete Hegseth had no idea what was happening. (Up top.)

I mean, we’ve all been there. How many times have you woken up after a night of drinking with a throbbing headache and thought, Oh God, I hope I didn’t drunk text anyone or bomb some country in the Middle East that I can’t even find on a map.

But now, thanks to Trump’s mastery of foreign policy, Israel and Iran have/had agreed to a ceasefire. Trump compared the strikes on Iran to Hiroshima and Nagazaki since “that ended a war, too.” What are you even talking about? Who compares anything to Hiroshima and Nagazaki?

As you can imagine, Trump is not happy about the uncertainty around a ceasefire. On Tuesday he told reporters, “We basically have two countries that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”

Are you kidding me? How are we supposed to teach our children that using the f-word is wrong when the president is saying it? It’s bad enough that my daughter says everything “sucks” instead of the preferred “stinks.” I certainly didn’t grow up in a potty-mouthed household. My father used to say “Cripes” until my mother made him stop because it sounded too much like “Christ.”

Unfortunately, there is leaked U.S. intelligence suggesting that Iran’s nuclear sites may not have been as “obliterated” as we were led to believe. In fact, the famed bunker buster bombs may have only delayed Iran’s nuclear capability by a couple months. So their uranium-friendly amusement parks could reopen to the public before we know it!

Also, in a video this morning, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei congratulated his people for their decisive victory over Israel and the U.S., which is an interesting spin considering you just got bombed.

On the lighter side, a friend texted me earlier this week to let me know that Trump had coined a new phrase, “MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN” or “MIGA!” So I immediately responded with a furrowed-eyebrows-wearing-a-monocle emoji and she sent back a nauseous emoji followed by a vomit emoji, and and I sent back an LOL emoji (both standard and tilted) and then there was silence. Because it had clearly gone too far.

There was also this:

“Did I hear Former President [Dmitry] Medvedev, from Russia, casually throwing around the ‘N word’ (Nuclear!), and saying that he and other Countries would supply Nuclear Warheads to Iran? Did he really say that or, is it just a figment of my imagination? If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY. The ‘N word’ should not be treated so casually. I guess that’s why Putin’s ‘THE BOSS.’”

Neat. First, he knows what the ‘N word’ is, right? Hint: It’s not ‘Nuclear.’ Just because ‘nuclear’ also starts with the letter ‘n’ doesn’t make it the ‘N word.’ For example, you can’t say the ‘N word’ and be referring to ‘narcolepsy’ or ‘nonpareil.’ It just doesn’t work that way.

And what does he mean by, “If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY.” Is he asking us to follow up? In case some MAGA idiot who follows him on Truth Social just happens to be on a secure line with Medvedev?

Perhaps most troubling, at the end he referred to Putin as THE BOSS. Does this mean we’re Team Putin again? Is it because Zelenskyy never said thank you? This would be a perfect time for Russia to stockpile its weapons.

I remember asking my dad when I was little about the possibility of World War III and he said that the U.S. and Soviets are like two kids building up a rock arsenal and once they get to a certain point, they’re going to start throwing them. I’ve filed that under “Parenting Children to Fear Everything and I Do Mean Everything.”

F-bomb. F-bomb. F-bomb.