When Donald Dumped Elon

Can presidents and multibillionaires be friends or does ego always get in the way?

I don’t make it a habit to watch Fox News, meaning I’d rather go back to sucking my thumb in public than watch that perverted network. The last time I watched Fox was when one of my conservative relatives (name redacted) made me watch “Gutfeld!” because he swore I’d think it was funny. I did not.

However, it seems like I missed a big old sloppy lovefest between Elon Musk and Donald Trump, who were interviewed this week by Sean Hannity from the Roosevelt Room (which will be renamed after a confederate general shortly).

Here was one of the interactions:

• Hannity: He’s become one of your best friends?

• Musk: I love the president.

• Hannity: You love the president?

• Musk: I think President Trump is a good man.

• Trump: That's nice the way he said that.

• Hannity: This is going to be hard. I feel like I'm interviewing two brothers.

🤢 🤮

I mean, enough with the ‘meet cute.’ It sounds like they ripped out a page straight out of the “When Harry Met Sally” script. And we all know this bromance can’t last forever...

Musk (talking to Hannity the following week): I go to the Oval Office for our daily meeting and Donald says, “I don’t know if I want to be friends anymore.” You know, like it’s nothing personal, just something the president’s been thinking about in between naps and tirades. I’m calm, I say, “Why don’t we take some time to think about it, you know, don’t rush into anything, like when we fired all those FAA air traffic controllers.”

Hannity: Yeah, right.

Musk: Next day he says he’s thought about it, and he wants a trial separation but I can still listen in on the occasional phone call with that little dictator Zelenskyy. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. So I say to him, “Aren’t we best friends anymore?” You know what he says? “I don't know if you’ve ever been my best friend.”

Hannity: Ooohhh, that’s harsh. You don’t bounce back from that right away. I’m a grossly overpaid Fox News anchor, I know dialogue and that’s particularly harsh.

Musk: So I’m back at DOGE and there were moving men there with Don Jr. and Eric. Now I start to get suspicious. So I asked the movers, “When did the president schedule this move?” And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them wearing a t-shirt that says, ‘Don't fu*ck with Mr. Zero.’

So I called the President on his private line and ask, “When did you call these movers, who are more than likely illegals and should be deported to Guantanamo immediately?” and he says, “A week ago.” I said, “You’ve known for a week and you didn’t tell me?” And he says, “I didn't want to ruin the SpaceX launch.”

Hannity: You’re saying Mr. Zero knew before you did?

Musk: Mr. Zero knew.

Hannity: I can’t believe this!

Musk: I haven’t told you the bad part yet.

Hannity: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

Musk: It’s all a lie. He’s dissolving DOGE.

Hannity: How did you find out?

Musk: I followed Tulsi Gabbard, stood outside the White House.

Hannity: So humiliating.

Musk: Tell me about it.

And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though we were happy cruising in the new Tesla Cybertruck and streaking the Donald Kennedy Center, it was just an illusion and that one day he would trade me in for Pete Hegseth.

Hannity: Relationships don’t break up on account of a few rogue Cabinet members. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Musk: Oh, really? Well that symptom is fu*cking up my life.