When Abbott Met DeSantis

Can two governors traffic groups of innocent migrants and still hate each other in the morning?

Despite Greg Abbott’s radio silence on Ron DeSantis’s Martha’s Vineyard stunt involving Texas migrants, deep down he’s quite pained that the Florida governor stole his mantle of meanest Catholic ever. Like, meaner than Judas.

Abbott’s anger, however, is understandable. Those were our migrants. They were taken from San Antonio. We’ve bused 11K migrants to such loathsome elitist cities as Washington, New York and Chicago but it’s DeSantis that benefitted from the media frenzy.

Now those of you who have been with In the Pink since the beginning, lo those many years ago, will likely recognize the following script. The names have changed but the game remains the same. It had to be them…

At a diner with no power because DeSantis hasn’t done shit. Tallahassee, FL.

Abbott: Obviously, you haven’t passed any great legislation yet.
DeSantis: It just so happens I have passed plenty of great legislation.
Abbott: With whom have you passed this great legislation?
DeSantis: (embarrassed) I’m not going to tell you that!
Abbott: Fine. Don’t tell me.
DeSantis: Matt Gaetz.
Abbott: Matt Gaetz. Matty? No, no. You did not pass anything with Gaetz.
DeSantis: I did too.
Abbott: No, you didn’t. Matt Gaetz can do your human trafficking. If you need advice on inappropriate relationships with underage girls, Matt’s your guy. But humpin’ and pumpin’ and passin’ big bills is not Gaetz’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me, Gaetz.’ ‘You’re an animal, Gaetz.’ ‘Ride me, big Gaetz.’ It doesn’t work.

County Line Barbecue, Austin.

DeSantis: You just get to a certain point when you get tired of the whole thing.
Abbott: What whole thing?
DeSantis: The whole life of a governor. You meet with crazy conservatives, you host the safe fundraiser, you decide they’ll give you enough money to move on to the nomination, you go slumming, you do the white man’s dog whistle, you go back to their houses, you have useless conversations, and the minute you’re finished, you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to stay in this shithole and schmooze with complete losers before I can get up and go home? Is 30 seconds enough?
Abbott: That’s what you’re thinking? Is that true?
DeSantis: Sure. All governors think that. How long do your idiot supporters want you to stay? All night, right? See, that’s the problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
Abbott: I don’t have a problem.
DeSantis: Yeah, you do.

UT football game.

Abbott: So I go to the door of the governor’s mansion and there was the Republican National Committee. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, ‘Ronna, when did the committee vote on the nominee?’ And she doesn’t say anything. So then I ask the committee members, ‘When did this woman book you for this hostile takeover?’ And they’re just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them wearing a t-shirt that says Don’t Fu*ck with Mr. Zero.

DeSantis: You’re saying Mr. Zero knew you were getting dumped for the nomination a week before you did?

Abbott: Mr. Zero knew.

Off the presidential campaign trail.

DeSantis: Why can’t we get past this Martha’s Vineyard crap? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Abbott: Forever? It just happened!
DeSantis: It happened two weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Abbott: Yes. Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
DeSantis: Yes.
Abbott: Who is the dog?
DeSantis: You are.
Abbott: I am? I am the dog?
DeSantis: Um-hmm.

Mar-a-Lago, following presidential nomination.

Donald Trump: Everybody, could I have your attention please? I’d like to propose a toast to Greg and Ron. To Greg and Ron, if any Republicans had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today.

A new day.

Abbott: The first time we met, we hated each other.
DeSantis: No, you didn’t hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn’t even remember me.
Abbott: I did too, I remembered that you stole my migrants. The third time we met, we became arch-nemeses.
DeSantis: We were arch-nemeses for a long time.
Abbott: And then we weren’t.
DeSantis: And now we’re both waiting until 2028.