What the Actual Duck?

The toxic Reflecting Pool, vandalizing hooligans & some seriously gross algae.

I grew up in McLean, Virginia, a suburb of DC and home to the Hustlin’ Highlanders. As a child, our family would travel into the city for two reasons and two reasons only: the St. Patrick’s Day parade and the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History to see the African Bush elephant and tour the Hall of Human Origins (which has since been renamed the Hall of Biblical Origins featuring a fully clothed Adam and Eve).

Alas, the DC of my formative years is no longer. You only have to look at the current state of the Abraham Lincoln Reflecting Pool to see that the city of my youth is mired in the Upside Down. As with many of Trump’s beautification projects, this $16 MILLION no-bid contract project was a resounding failure.

That’s no algae. That’s the Loch Ness Monster.

Hoping to use it as an anchor for his July Fourth celebrations (cage matches sold separately), he decided to have the pool renovated by installing a rubber commercial swimming pool liner and painting it “American Flag Blue.” Also, floaties and a lazy river! Unfortunately, once the pool was drained and refilled, there was an infestation of algae in its 4 million gallons of water.

The two employees still left at the National Park Service attempted to treat the potentially toxic blue-green algae with peroxide and ozone but then the liner began to peel off the bottom. Now, you could blame the algae for this mess or you could blame it on vandalism and suspicious criminal activity, as alleged by the president.

There have already been arrests, including a U.S. Olympic canoeist who was detained for five hours for touching a piece of the detached coating. He was released after the offending finger was cut off.

But nothing—NOTHING—is as bad as the ducks. The ducks are dying. I mean, seriously? As if everything wasn’t bad enough, the administration has to start poisoning adorable duckies?

Over the weekend, two deceased ducks were discovered at a pond near the pool. Then, another duck. This one was apparently an “adolescent” duck. Because it was mouthing off to its parents. I don’t mean to make light of this. I love ducks. Geese are another story. They’re mean as snakes.

A local wildlife group will conduct necropsies on the birds to see if their deaths could be a result of the pool renovation. That is some serious “CSI: National Landmarks” shit.

Meanwhile a woman from the Center for Biological Diversity has called the pool a “giant duck death trap.”

Worst rebranding ever.

Note: I will be on vacation all next week so there will be no patriotic post. This will have to do.