What a School Believes

Christianity, professional wrestling and education.

Update: Matt Gaetz has withdrawn himself from the nomination for AG. You could say he pulled out early. But that’s juvenile.

Lately I find that I’m taking out my post-election misery on random people. Like the barista who failed to give me an adequate amount of foam in my oat milk latte. Or the random cyclist who strayed out of the bike lane, leaving me no choice but to graze his leg. Or the relative who decided to send a family Christmas letter before Thanksgiving. (Nobody believes your sixth grader is an honors student. He can barely tie his own shoes. And they’re Velcro.)

I’m starting to see more of those “Keep Christ in Christmas” bumper stickers. Perhaps Christians feel emboldened after winning the election and wanted something new to place next to “Real Men Love Jesus.”

Missing from picture: Matt Gaetz as the pervert shepherd.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Christ enjoys being on bumper stickers. It’s a solid way to express your deep faith while you drive like an asshole. But Christ does not belong in public school curriculum. Or else it’s a parochial school. I went to parochial school for eight years. The curriculum consisted of prayer and self-flagellation.

However, the esteemed members of the Texas Board of Education feel otherwise. They voted in favor of new Bible-infused and Jesus-approved middle school curriculum. Classes include God-reading, God-math, God-science and sex ed.

I kid. Of course there’s no sex ed. The only thing these kids need to know is that Adam and Eve were cast out of Paradise for engaging in premarital sexual intercourse and now we all have to suffer for their sins. Seriously, could you not keep your fig leaf on?

Meanwhile supporters of the Texas curriculum claim that the Bible is a part of American history, plus there are no other books in the classroom since they’ve all been banned. But there are alternatives to Reading with Jesus. School districts don’t have to use this curriculum. They just get money if they do. Hard sell!

Now let’s take a look at Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Education, the 76-years-young Linda McMahon. Before you assume she’s unqualified, you should know she’s totally unqualified. She even lied about having a bachelor’s degree in education. Why would you lie about that? If I was going to lie about having a degree, it would be in like astrophysics.

She’s totally into school vouchers though which must make Greg Abbott happy. And the last time he was happy was when he made a bunch of babies cry.

So maybe McMahon doesn’t have much “traditional” “experience” in education but she is married to Vince McMahon and they did start WWE. They met cute when she was 13 and got married when she was 17 and they’ve been body slamming each other ever since.

But what really qualifies her for serving in Trump’s cabinet? She was named in a sexual abuse lawsuit. THERE it is!