If you’re planning on attending church on October 15, you should prepare yourself for a sermon that is more of a political stunt than an endless rambling of gospel-splaining and nonsensical personal anecdotes.
When I was growing up, sermons were either vehicles for shaming or soliloquies tailored for a community theater production of Hamlet. My sisters and I would try to make each other laugh and the one who laughed first would not be allowed to have a Krispy Kreme donut after mass. Also, eternal damnation.
Last month Greg Abbott held a tele-townhall® meeting with churches across the state urging them to promote “School Choice Sunday” on October 15 (also National Cheese Curd Day). Personally I’m not sure why a Catholic governor would contact clergy outside of the Catholic church to get things done.
Have the priests stopped taking his calls? Ironing their vestments? Or are they too busy lawyering up? (Sick burn. I’m Catholic so back off.)
Anyway, those pews are going to be empty for “School Choice Sunday,” otherwise known as “Kill Public Schools Day.” Next time try “Bloody Marys with the Deacons Sunday.”
Apparently Abbott assumed that religious leaders would jump at the chance to illegally campaign for his school voucher proposal in defiance of God the Father. But clearly he underestimated the Baptist General Convention of Texas. They refused his request, saying that actively promoting school choice is “out of bounds” and “co-opts the Sunday morning time of worship.”
You’ve got to be kidding me. The Baptists are out? Who’s still in? The Mormons? Scientologists? Protestants?
Now you’re probably wondering who some of these participants leading the call were. They included:
Cornerstone Church Lead Pastor Matt Hagee. Author of the user-friendly “Your Guide to the Apocalypse: What You Should Know Before the World Comes to an End,” featuring helpful advice on what to pack and how to skin a squirrel.
The R.O.C.K. Founder and Senior Pastor Dr. Dana Carson. Author of “Shall a Man Rob God? Crooked Christianity.” It’s about tithing. I’m not kidding.
Megachurch First Baptist Dallas Senior Pastor & Fox News contributor Robert Jeffress. Author of a bunch of books on Amazon that haven’t sold. Because they suck.
Two-time World Heavyweight Champion and Olympic Gold Medalist George Foreman.
Hold up. George Foreman? Like, the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine informercial guy? Was that a wrong number? Did he get on the call only to realize that he wasn’t supposed to be on it so he hid under his desk and continued to listen in out of sheer curiosity? I mean, we’ve all been there.
No? Me neither. That would be wrong.