I watched the vice presidential debate Tuesday night, mostly to see if Ted Walz would rip JD Vance’s face off to reveal that he is, in fact, a carnivorous reptilian humanoid from another planet who came here to harvest us as food.
Oh, like you weren’t thinking it.
Most people are saying that Vance won the debate because he wore an oh-so relatable hot pink tie and seemed relatively sincere despite the obscene number of lies rolling off his tongue. He was so slick and rehearsed and kept mentioning his beautiful kids and his beautiful wife and his beautiful mother who ruined his life.
Throughout the debate, JD Vance blamed “illegal aliens” for basically everything but especially for the fentanyl crisis with zero proof and just a touch of racism.
You know who I blame for the fentanyl crisis? JD Vance’s mom. (Up top. Down low.)
Coach Walz, meanwhile, fumbled the game. Talk about a Hail Mary pass. He got sacked. You’re probably wondering how I know any football terminology since I’m just a girl but my credentials include 1) being a high school cheerleader and 2) learning Geometry from the assistant football coach.
Thanks to that sterling academic background, I’m completely unable to help my 10-year-old daughter with fractions so when she asks, I just say that I like fractions but WHAT I DON’T LIKE IS CHEATING.
The end of the VP debate was striking in its reveal of each man’s true character. Unfortunately everyone had stopped watching by then so they could go to bed to do their crossword puzzle. (Just me?)
Here’s the interaction:
Q: Senator Vance, you have said you would not have certified the last presidential election and would have asked the states to submit alternative electors. That has been called unconstitutional and illegal. Would you again seek to challenge this year's election results, even if every Governor certifies the results?
JD: (Thinking of how to army crawl his way off stage) First of all, I think that we're focused on the future.
That is a spectacular non-answer. It kind of makes you forget what the question was.
Walz: Donald Trump refused to acknowledge this. And the fact is that I don't think we can be the frog in the pot and let the boiling water go up. He lost this election, and he said he didn't. One hundred and forty police officers were beaten at the Capitol that day, some with the American flag. Several later died.
That is a spectacular answer. It makes you remember what the question was. That said, I have no idea who is the frog and who is the pot but I’m here for it.
Walz: Mike Pence standing there as they were chanting, hang Mike Pence. Mike Pence made the right decision. Democracy is bigger than winning an election. And a President's words matter. To deny what happened on January 6, the first time in American history that a President or anyone tried to overturn a fair election and the peaceful transfer of power.
He is still saying he didn't lose the election. Did he lose the 2020 election?
JD: Tim, I'm focused on the future. Did Kamala Harris censor Americans from speaking their mind in the wake of the 2020 COVID situation?
TW: That is a damning non-answer.
Mike Pence made the decision to certify that election — That's why Mike Pence isn't on this stage.
I don’t think that Walz could’ve done an actual mic drop due to logistics but he should’ve thrown his podium over and said, Who’s your coach NOW?
He ended by saying that America has a clear choice in this election between who's going to honor democracy and who's going to honor Donald Trump. The problem is, half of this country would rather bow to Trump. And that’s a big [your choice of swear word] problem. (I’m a total fan of censorship.)
Overall, though, people thought the debate was civil seeing as no one called the other one “mentally disabled” as Trump has recently said of Kamala.
Now who’s the pot boiling the frog on the stove for certifying the election results?
Mmmmm... frog legs. Yummy. [Insert drooly face emoji here.] I hear they taste just like pets of the people who live in Springfield.