Valley Girls
Will the self-proclaimed Texas Triple Threat ever make it on Broadway?
J Lo (dancer/singer/actress) is a triple threat. My neighborhood growing up was a triple threat (church/rectory/convent). But three Republican women running for office in the Valley calling themselves “Texas Triple Threat”? Girl.
The Hispanic GOP hopefuls, congressional candidates Cassy Garcia (District 28) and Monica De La Cruz (District 15) joined by special guest U.S. Rep. Mayra Flores, are also referred to as the “Spicy Tacos.” I would consider this offensive if it weren’t so darn cute. (My Salvadoran in-laws call me the “Blanca Burrito” but I’m pretty sure that’s a compliment.)
The women, aka “Jalapeño Hotties,” have an unwavering faith that they can turn the South Texas border red with the help of God, his shared hatred of immigrants, and those trusty conservative values. Garcia used to work for the beloved Ted Cruz, a triple threat in his own right. Think Hugh Jackman but with none of the looks, charisma or talent. She’s running against incumbent Democrat Henry Cuellar who is such a DINO that it’s hardly worth supporting him. However if they both suck, you know, dance with the DINO who brought you.
According to KXAN, at a prayer breakfast last week, sponsored by the RNC and Tejana Women of Faith, the candidates were likened to Daniel in the lions’ den. Now if you don’t know what that reference is, you are no spicy taco. It’s a story recounted in the Book of Daniel about a man named Daniel (not a coincidence) who is saved by God from being eaten by lions because “I was found blameless before Him.” That verse is on the front of my coffee travel mug. On the back it says, “Alcohol You Later!”
OK, this has absolutely zero to do with the Triple Threat Trio, who, if the roles were reversed, would definitely be eaten by lions while Daniel became a congressional candidate (Book of Daniel, 6:22). Incidentally, the husbands of both Garcia and Flores happen to be border patrol agents. Come on. You can’t keep the border safe so you make your wives go do it for you? Do your job.
Flores spoke about not allowing the government to shame you for your Christian values because this is a Christian country filled with Christian conservatives and Christian ladies who lunch. I call mierda on that one. Don’t steal that Christian mantle just yet. There’s plenty of Jesus to go around. Or else we can just bring back the Crusades to save the endangered Republican party.
Let’s take a closer look at De La Cruz, whose own grandmother immigrated to the U.S. to flee the violence in Mexico. Thank God she got here before her granddaughter becomes her congresswoman.
De La Cruz is an Episcopalian, which, as every good Catholic knows, is not, by definition, a true Christian. Instead of receiving the real communion, they drink grape juice and eat saltines or something like that. Gross. Who decided those go together? She was raised by a single mom which is the anthesis of Christian family values. And she’s a single mom herself following a bitter divorce in which her ex-husband filed a RESTRAINING ORDER against her. Whoever vetted this woman should be fired.
This is exactly why I never attend prayer breakfasts. One, never invited. Two, poor biblical references. Three, not enough almond milk creamer. And four, women like them.