Up for Debate?

Warnock, Walker, police badges & unbaptized babies.

Yes, I will start this post with a status update of my NY Times subscription. Two weeks ago, after several missed deliveries of my Sunday paper, they promised to “start an investigation.” Oh really? Because I can pretty much crack that one for you. There’s some high school boy who sneaks out every Saturday night because his parents stopped caring a long time ago and he drinks and vapes and doesn’t get up on time the next morning. Well, look at that. I’M AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST.

Now where was I? Oh, yes. The Raphael Warnock/Herschel Walker debate. No, I didn’t watch it. Yes, I read about it and saw some clips. (Excellent analysis by Charles Blow and Frank Bruni.) As you can imagine, it was horrible. You knew it was all over when Herschel walked out wearing a Pro-Choice t-shirt and carrying a police badge. I’m kidding. Just the police badge.

To be clear. I’m talking about the debate on Friday night. He was a no-show for Sunday’s debate. While I understand the overall concept of being a no-show—the occasional conference call, your own wedding—you should really show up for a debate. Instead, there was just an empty lectern and some random Libertarian candidate (same thing). Walker’s campaign should’ve at least had a sock puppet.

That’s basically what Walker was on Friday. A sock puppet with a fake police badge. Apparently Walker thought this little prop would reinstate his support for the police despite the alleged (=true) gunfire he exchanged with a couple officers years ago. Oh, and because he pretends he’s in law enforcement. He was chastised by the moderators for bringing a prop but not for lying through his teeth the entire time.

Listen, I get it. Little kids like to dress up as police officers, firefighters, and Republican senatorial candidates. But does he really think some fake badge is going to convince anyone? I wore a press pass for years and it got me nowhere.

Abortion was one of the more notable issues due to the fact that Walker was for abortion before he was against it. When you’re cornered by your lying lies, it’s best to say something completely inane like:

“[Warnock] told me Black lives matter. If Black lives matter, why are you not protecting those babies? And instead of aborting those babies, why aren’t you baptizing those babies?”

What is he TALKING about? Instead of aborting those babies, why aren’t you baptizing those babies? This from a guy who pressured his then-girlfriend to have an abortion and then sent her a get well card. Does Hallmark even make those?

(Front) “I’m sorry I made you get an abortion. (Open card, plays Pachelbel Canon) But I just didn’t want another kid. I can’t even remember how many kids I have now. All the best, Herschel.”

As for baptizing babies, however, Walker is spot on. If you don’t baptize your baby, preferably as soon as he/she comes out of the womb, they’re dealt a one-way ticket to limbo, which isn’t quite as bad as purgatory but it’s no Disney World.

How many more Trumpers do we really have to deal with? You look at these irredeemably flawed wackadoo (check the DSM-V) candidates and can’t believe they’re actually winning elections. And then you go about your day, drinking that third cup of coffee while wondering what your life could have been if you had gone to business school instead of journalism school.

Have people just become dumber? Do they really think Trump won the 2020 election? Are they really that angry? And are we really that complacent? (Guilty as charged.) You know what’s going to happen? A disaster of epic proportions because God is through with us. He’s like, I’m done. I’m going to create all new people and this time make them attractive.

I don’t want to speak for God but I believe we’ve got another major Noah-like world-engulfing flood coming. We need to start preparing by getting all the animals together two-by-two (I’ll grab the pugs) and stocking our boats with medical supplies, astronaut ice cream, and fake police badges.