Tonight We're Gonna Party Like it's 2025
The Joe Biden shuffle, the Heritage Foundation & the Good Book.
I need a break from Joe Biden & the Democratic Alternatives (they play a sick beat) because I simply can’t think about it anymore. It’s starting to use up the brain cells that once held every lyric of every soundtrack of every single 80s movie ever. Why, just yesterday I tried to recall the chorus of “Man in Motion,” the theme song to St. Elmo’s Fire, and I actually had to Google it. I HAD TO GOOGLE IT. (“I can see a new horizon, underneath the blazin’ sky.”) This campaign is ruining me.
However I will say that I’m going to be in Rehoboth next week which means there’s a good chance I’ll run into Biden during his convalescence from Covid, also known as melancholia. We rent a place every summer literally blocks away from the president’s house (undisclosed location for obvious reasons) and I plan on having a heartfelt yet firm conversation with him about stepping down.
I know Joe said the only way he would step down is if the Lord Almighty told him to. But he more recently changed that to if a train crashed into him. The logical next step is that he’ll step aside if he’s confronted by some unhinged middle-aged woman waving frozen custard at him and claiming to be Jill’s best friend.
(If you’re keeping a running tab of Democrats who are pleading with him to leave the race, there’s Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Hakeem Jeffries, Adam Schiff, President Obama, Bono, Kamala Harris and the entire cast of ER.)
Meanwhile Republicans were more bedazzled and pumped than ever at this week’s convention, nominating an actual Hillbilly for vice president and wearing makeshift white bandages on their ears in solidarity with the former president. Either that or they tried piercing their own ears, which I would not recommend.
But underneath all the buzz, including the usual uninspiring and unwatchable speech by Gov. Abbott, lies the 920-page blueprint which will shape this country for decades to come: Project 2025. (Fun fact: It’s almost as long as the Old Testament yet somewhat scarier.) When I first heard of it, I just assumed it was a new Netflix series about a government experiment gone horribly wrong, turning innocent Americans into bloodthirsty zombies.
Turns out, not far off.
Project 2025 (“Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise”) was created by the Heritage Foundation and outlines what a second Trump term could look like, praise be. To start, no more Department of Education; all DEI programs will be eliminated; and legal status for Dreamer immigrants will be revoked.
I know that doesn’t sound too bad but they’re also proposing renaming the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to the Department of Life. (I’ve got to admit. It’s catchier.) Also, the new department will only support the “biblically based” definition of family. As you probably already know, the Heritage Foundation is not big on equal rights for anyone but white people.
I could go on and on about how draconian this is but I’ve barricaded myself in my office so those agents with the Department of Life can’t drag me away to hang me on The Wall for working outside of the home and wearing pants.
Trump has said that he has nothing to do with Project 2025, he’s never heard of it and there weren’t any pictures in it anyway. Well, he’s never lied to us before.
Just once in his life, a man has his time
And my time is now, I'm coming alive.