Throw Mamas from the Train

The all important mama, mommy, mama bear, mommykins vote.

I was in Rehoboth Beach, DE over the July 4th holiday, which I stretched out for an entire week as I believe that the independence of this nation merits much more than just one day. I was lounging by my hotel pool, in the classic middle-aged woman’s Lands’ End one-piece, when all these Secret Service agents showed up.

Clearly they were trying to blend in with the general population but, please. They’re super attractive, incredibly fit, and impeccably dressed. Have you seen the general population? They look like extras from The Last of Us.

Turns out Jill Biden was at the hotel spa so naturally I tried to get a last minute appointment but the therapists looked at me and were like, our Botox slots are all full. So instead I went back to the pool where I realized I had lost my sunglasses.

I went to the spa and the receptionist said no one had turned in any sunglasses. Naturally I accused her of lying and said that my non-existent lawyer would be in touch.

But then it all started making sense. It was Jill. Jill stole my sunglasses. Probably after her deluxe hydrating FLOTUS facial. So if you see her on CNN walking to Air Force One wearing a pair of $30 sunglasses with orange-colored frames from Madewell, those are mine.

Anyway. As I was on the beach one day, staring disdainfully at the sheer number of posterior regions (butts) hanging out of bathing suits, I read about the DeSantis campaign’s latest effort.

It’s all about women. Let me rephrase. It’s all about mamas. And grandmamas. And mee-maws. OK, maybe not the mee-maws. They look like old crows. Let’s stick with the photographic young moms holding their babies with a toddler or two running around nearby, typically through some germy splash pad.

You know these mamas. The ones who send out Christmas cards to 485 of their closest friends with a landscape photo of their perfect family all dressed alike and laughing at nothing. And a family letter. Oh, the letters.

First Mama Casey DeSantis is spearheading this new “Mamas for DeSantis” campaign because apparently no one can stand looking at her husband anymore. I’ll say this about Casey. She’s pretty.

This latest ploy just seems so, how do I put this, vomit worthy. It goes through all the typical anti-LGBTQ fearmongering but it also takes on stuff like masks. Because what kind of mama would force a mask on her baby? Not this mama.

They show a mama traveling (alone!) with her baby as she struggles to place its mask on while looking like she may throw him into the overhead compartment and call it a day.

Haven’t we already been through all this? Remember Mama Grizzlies? And soccer moms? Security moms? Chardonnay moms? Psychopath moms? What about the single women and women without children? Do their votes not matter? For the first time in our nation’s history, there are equal numbers of single women and married women and there has yet to be any hand-to-hand combat.

Here’s the thing. To my knowledge, there has never, ever been a “Dadas for [X]!” campaign. Why? Because it’s infantile, degrading and ultimately doesn’t hold up on a yard sign. Where are the proud dadas holding up their babies at campaign rallies and tearing up when they see their candidate? Why don’t we see them mingling with Casey DeSantis at an event in Iowa, pushing through other dadas to get a selfie?

I’ll tell you why. Because real men have jobs and responsibilities and happy hours at steakhouses and cannot be bothered by such frivolous nonsense. Leave that to the mamas, who have nothing better to do. I mean, there’s only so much time you can spend on Etsy and playdates where you surreptitiously drink wine out of sippy cups.

Am I right, mamas?