Three Weeks Notice
Nerves, Covid, Putin & purgatory.
The election is like three weeks away. I haven’t been this terrified since my sisters convinced me there was a witch named Celeste living in our scary dark, dank basement that was lined with perfectly safe undefined pink insulation with bits of glass in it.
I’m serious when I say that my personal health is suffering. I have self-diagnosed restless leg syndrome which means that since early childhood I’ve bounced my leg up and down while sitting. Naturally the cadence tends to correspond with my level of anxiety. The faster I’m shaking my leg, the more dire the situation. My restless leg has gotten so bad that I’ve fallen out of my chair at least three times in the past week.
So while we wait out this excruciatingly short time frame, I’ve had plenty of time to obsess about how half of this country will be casting their votes for two psychopaths who, if elected, will definitely bring on the end times, marked by climate change, world wars, and disease pandemics. Wait. We’re already in the end times, you fools!
This reminds me of growing up Catholic and learning about purgatory which, according to the nuns, is where you go when you die if you weren’t quite good enough to get into heaven. (See: “Defending Your Life” with Al Brooks and Meryl Streep.)
On the other hand, my parents believed that purgatory was basically life on earth, which made more sense than being stuck between heaven and hell with all the unbaptized souls and public school students until someone recited enough rosaries to get you out.
I digress. Every single day we find out something more disturbing about Trump. Like, for example, how he secretly shipped off Covid testing equipment to Vladimir Putin at the height of the pandemic for his own personal use since he was holed up like a scared little communist baby.
Bob Woodward reported on this in his new book, “WAR,” which the Trump campaign has vehemently denied even though the Kremlin later confirmed. NO ONE but NO ONE does fact checking like Bob Woodward.
That is outrageous. Do you remember those first few months of Covid? I sat in my CAR in a LINE at some POP UP VACCINE TENT for like 15 HOURS. It would have been even longer if not for my strategic cutting off of some distracted elderly woman. (I had to apologize profusely that night to my mother-in-law.)
But, worry not. I’m sure this clandestine exchange says nothing about the creepy-cozy relationship between Trump and the authoritarian dictator and the historic effect this would have on the planet.
If it makes you feel more at ease, Putin is estimated to be between 5’1 and 5’5, which means he’s like the Tom Cruise of the USSR.
A few weeks ago I got Covid for the second time, after attending my college reunion. I immediately started calling all my old “friends” and “society sisters” (no, Wake didn’t have sororities, they had societies) accusing them of giving it to me.
YOU’RE A CLOSE TALKER YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND ALSO YOU DRINK TOO MUCH.