There's a Bad Moon on the Rise

The eclipse, Ouija boards & the smell of warrior energy.

I’m not sure if you’ve heard but the solar eclipse is coming next Monday, in which Mexico, the U.S. and Canada will descend into total darkness and bitter cold for 4 minutes and 30 seconds, causing mass chaos and spontaneous Gangnam Style flash mobs. Hopefully they’ll be the first ones sucked into the alien ship.

Texas is one of the best states to experience the eclipse (1:36PM CST) as we are directly in its path, which is why plane tickets here were going for like $5,000 even with stops. Slight discount if you agreed to fly on Boeing.

Unfortunately, there’s a very real chance that once the eclipse passes over Mexico and into Texas, it will immediately be detained.

This is what the eclipse will look like if it isn’t detained.

From Earth, the sun and moon look around the same size. However, the sun is actually 400 times larger than the moon. The reason we think they’re the same size is because the moon is 400 times closer to the earth. Just one more example of how stupid we are.

A solar eclipse happens when the moon passes directly between the sun and Earth. Personally I think lunar eclipse sounds better than solar eclipse, but I’m no scientist. Nerds. I’m also no “evolutionary astrologer” like the one profiled on KUT.

According to astrologer Sharon Gill, the eclipse will be in the sign of Aries, representing “action” and “warrior energy” and “rams with golden fleece” running naked in the streets. Another mystic says you should get your tarot cards read before the event. Due to their reliability.

I mean, seriously? As far as I’m concerned, tarot readings are on the same level as the Ouija board I played with in 7th grade. You know, when you and your friend would move the plastic triangle to spell out messages that just happened to be the name of your crush.

One of the most important things to remember during the eclipse, aside from packing your bags for The Rapture, is to not stare directly into the sun. That’s why protective eyewear is so important. And why the $2 glasses I bought from Terra Toys are completely useless.

Completely useless glasses from Terra Toys.

My daughter’s 4th grade class has gone All-Out Eclipse, making pinhole viewers with cereal boxes followed by dancing around a fire pit and pledging their allegiance to Zeus.

As with any eclipse, you should stock up on cases of bottled water, freeze dried food, astronaut ice cream, fuel, and all the prescription medications you can find. Basically, be prepared for anything. But especially for the end of civilization, which I keep in mind on a daily basis.