There is No Plan B

The debate between the governor and the should-be governor.

I’m not sure how many of you tuned in to Friday night’s gubernatorial debate. Personally I was unable to watch it live as my daughter refused to budge on Sonic 2, which was superior to the original Sonic due to the appearance of Knuckles voiced by Idris Elba and the nuances of existing in the world as a talking blue hedgehog.

When I did get around to watching the debate, I found it sad that there was no live audience. And a little eerie. Sad and eerie. What’s a debate without an audience? I love watching members of the audience! I try to guess which side they’re on based solely on what they’re wearing. (Guy in Iron Maiden t-shirt? Abbott. Older woman in bedazzled kitten blazer? Definitely Beto.)

Apparently Abbott refused to debate in front of an audience because he was afraid that they would find out he was actually a reptilian humanoid visiting our planet in need of “food.”

The candidates were asked about where they stood on gun rights, abortion rights, the grid, immmigration, summering in Martha’s Vineyard, and their favorite movies: “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” (Beto) and “Rosemary’s Baby” (Abbott).

One of the most critical issues of the night was obviously a woman’s right to choose and how she totally doesn’t have one in Texas. When asked about exceptions for victims of rape and incest, Abbott claimed that Plan B would be available but of course we all know that isn’t true. The only women who will have access to emergency contraception are daughters of elected officials. Also women who live in Westlake will be able to purchase Plan B at Nothing Bundt Cakes, conveniently located in between their Red Velvet Bundtinis and Triple Bundtlet Tower.

Abbott next mumbled something about some bullshit state program that provides all sorts of baby supplies. I’m not sure if a woman who finds out she’s pregnant after being assaulted will be grateful for the little baby booties knitted by some octogenarian Christian volunteer. But apparently, that’s what we have to offer. And diapers. You’re welcome.

You probably already heard that during his concert Sunday night, Harry Styles of the Backstreet Boys had a Beto sticker on his guitar. And they put a spotlight on Beto. The crowd went nuts and pledged right then and there to commit widespread voter fraud in order to get him elected. And, in the end? That’s what makes us beautiful.