The Year of Living Dangerously

Baby new year, baby names & Wet January.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s basically a requirement for this particular salutation to be written in ALL CAPS in order to signify the magnitude of the new year that we are about to embark on. The blank slate. The new page. The promise of a new day. Call it what you want but if you think that 2025 won’t culminate in a disaster of epic proportions, well, I’ll have what you’re having as long as it’s a controlled substance.

Yes, Father Time has once again irresponsibly handed over the clock and associated New Year duties to a drooling idiot still in diapers whose days consist of pooping and tantrums. But enough about Trump. (New year’s burn.)

The oversized top hat covers his freakishly large ears. Cheap Rudolph knockoff.

Not to be completely pessimistic but we are sending a sociopath back — BACK — to the White House. So you may want to rethink that Dry January bullshit. Of course, now that the Surgeon General has advised that alcoholic drinks carry cancer risk warning labels, perhaps it’s time for us all to give up drinking and switch to mocktails. Like drinks made with cucumbers, sea-herb extracts, tonic and just a hint of sadness.

I do, however, feel the need to get back to paying attention to the news, or at least perusing the headlines in between taking quizzes about growing up in the ‘80s. (No, Andrew McCarthy was not in Breakfast Club! He was in Mannequin!)

For example, at a family gathering over the holidays in Virginia, my uncle asked me what I thought of Trump wanting to buy the Panama Canal. I had no idea what he was talking about so I employed my default reaction when confronted with an issue that I’m unfamiliar with.

One, shake my head and smile. Two, say “Unbelievable!” Three, immediately excuse myself to search it up on my phone. Unfortunately by the time I got back, they had moved on to the hot topic of sleep apnea.

Apparently the new year is a time for completely unnecessary and overly sentimental retrospectives, as evidenced by the ubiquitous Top Ten 2024 lists, including news, films, books, Hulu series, celebrity breakups, memes and the most popular baby names. (Once again, Eileen has been overlooked in favor of Madelyn and Rosalee.)

That said, as for movies, I was pleasantly surprised by “Wicked.” After the first six hours I was like, Hey! That’s Ariana Grande!

The new year is also, naturally, the time for resolutions. Which means that more people will start working out and practicing mindfulness and learning Cantonese on Duolingo. Guess how long these endeavors will last? Probably one week, two if they’re really committed.

Not that I’m judging. At least they’re trying. The last time I made a resolution it was to write a tell-all memoir about everyone who’s ever wronged me. But after lawyers got involved, it never saw the light of day. This year I’ll try again by changing everyone’s names and using “allegedly” in every description.

Worth a shot.