The Proof is in the Pudding
Why DeSantis hates people and eats dessert with his hands.
I don’t normally read The Daily Beast, mostly because you have to register and I shouldn’t have to provide my email address to gain access to the poor man’s Buzzfeed but when I saw the story concerning pudding, I felt I had no choice. (I also gave them my passport number.)
We’ve all heard (have we not?) that Ron DeSantis is not a big fan of people. He doesn’t like meeting people, he doesn’t like talking to people, and he definitely doesn’t like looking at them. He’s also known for standing in the corner of the room. In other words, the fun guy at cocktail parties.
But I get it. People can be the worst. I personally avoid them at all costs. You can never be too careful considering that mass fungal infection I hear is going around.
However, I am not running for president. If you’re running for president, you kind of need people to vote for you. And if you want people to vote for you, you have to stop calling them “stupid hicks” with “bad hygiene.”
According to DB, DeSantis struggles with basic social skills, which may make him sound like a neurotic freak, but that’s only because he is one. His minor eccentricities might not matter though since Trump is a germaphobe who hates shaking hands more than he hates fair elections. So really, two great candidates.
In his swing through Iowa, DeSantis used metal bike racks to create a barrier between himself and the crowd. Bike racks. (No word on whether the children’s bikes with training wheels were still attached.) I’ve actually employed the use of bike racks (coupled with wayward scooters) around the perimeter of my yard to dissuade earnest young volunteers trying to “save the earth” by being annoying. DID YOU NOT SEE THE BIKE RACKS? GET BEHIND THE BIKE RACKS.
Not only is DeSantis socially awkward, he’s apparently a disgusting eater as well. According to a former staffer, he would “eat in front of people like a starving animal who has never eaten before.” Man, my dog isn’t even that bad. And he leaves me with visible puncture wounds when he’s dissatisfied with the amount of chicken in his bowl.
And now, the pudding incident. A few years go, DeSantis was eating chocolate pudding on his private plane with his fingers. That’s, how do I put it, revolting. I mean, if you want to eat your little snack pack kid dessert with your hands, don’t do it in front of other people. Same goes for picking your nose or reading woke books from the elementary school library. Keep it indoors.
But if DeSantis is unwilling, or unable, to give up pudding, I have an idea. Pudding pops. If they still make them. We used to fight over them growing up. The perfect treat. They came in chocolate, vanilla, and chocolate chip, all neatly attached to a popsicle stick.
I may just have singlehandedly saved this man’s presidential campaign.