The Old College Try

Harvard stands its well-manicured Cambridge ground.

I assume you’ve all heard about the Ivy League universities and law firms and little-read Substack writers who have capitulated to the Trump administration. You would think — you would HOPE — that there are people out there willing to stand up to this clown.

And someone did. Harvard. You know, that school none of us got into.

Just to be clear. No one really knows what Trump is asking for. But that doesn’t seem to matter when money’s involved. I mean, I guess it would be like someone mugging you and telling you to give them your money and you’re like, wait, why? What for?

The thing is, no one was pointing a gun at the head of Columbia University or all of those law firms but they still met the insatiable demands of a true psychopath. All I have to say is that if I ever need a lawyer, I will choose to represent myself in court, meaning I will go to prison but at least I’ll have my principles and an AM radio.

Of all the colleges being threatened by this Administration, Harvard is so far the only one that has publicly refused to roll over, shake, bark on command, play dead or appear on Chewy.com commercials. They stand to lose billions of dollars in federal funds for refusing to comply with Trump’s demands concerning hiring practices, admissions, curriculum and getting rid of those insufferable corduroy blazers with elbow patches worn by disheveled old men smoking pipes.

They also wanted Harvard to ban face masks, supposedly because of protesters but mainly so they can all contract measles or, why not, chicken pox. Speaking of which, I haven’t gotten my shingles vaccine yet. The pharmacist advised me to but I said I was too young to get it. And he just looked at me like I was mentally unstable. Dude. Get in line.

In case you’re interested, you can see the full list of universities (so far) that are facing the Wrath of Trump on the Department of Education’s website, whose domain will soon be for sale by GoDaddy. My alma mater Northwestern was the first college outside of the Ivies to be targeted. When I saw this, I texted everyone I know to say that it turns out I’m an Ivy League grad and smarter than you.

Here’s the completely irrational rationale given for these punitive measures:

The Department’s OCR sent these letters under its authority to enforce Title VI of the Civil Rights Act (1964), which prohibits any institution that receives federal funds from discriminating on the basis of race, color, and national origin. National origin includes shared (Jewish) ancestry.

Oh, OK. Now it makes sense. We wouldn’t want to discriminate against anyone.

Now Kristi Noem — whose unsightly hair extensions are a threat to national security and should be ripped from her scalp and deported to El Salvador — is telling Harvard that they must release sensitive information of all student visa holders or risk their ability to enroll international students.

Terrorist Barbie.

At any other time, this might be viewed as a threat to democracy. We might’ve been like, let’s DO something! How about yard signs and postcards and we’ll call it a day? But now it’s like, oh, complacency! This is what it tastes like!

Incidentally, tomorrow is Good Friday which means Catholics can’t eat meat. But if you’re not Catholic, go ahead and eat all the meat you can now because I’m pretty sure they don’t serve ribeye in hell.