The King's Gambit

Shadowy agents, protests & the requisite body slam

I am a very foolish, fond old man,
Fourscore and upward, not an hour more nor less;
And to deal plainly,
I fear I am not in my perfect mind.—King Lear

I may do it, I may not do it.
I mean, nobody know what I’m going to do.—King Trump

I am not trying to compare Trump to a Shakespearean king so much as copying and pasting a quote that contained the key words “foolish old man.” Plus King Lear ends up going insane and dying. (Spoiler.)

I was always an English major in the making. When I was a child, I spent hours performing Shakespeare in our basement while the rest of the neighborhood kids played Capture the Flag. Weirdos.

I assume that some of you attended the No Kings nationwide protests last weekend but if you didn’t, I can almost promise you that there were the traditional chants of, “Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho, [insert here] has got to go!” Second verse? Same as the first.

The only other chant is, “What do we want? [insert here] When do we want it? NOW!” Second verse? Same as the first.

As someone who simply doesn’t do protests, I shouldn’t be making fun of the official soundtrack but how has no one come up with a better chorus after all this time? Like Hamilton karaoke instead of a funeral dirge.

My sister texted me a photo of her protesting in DC and I was like, get out of there! Then I went back to watching the “Law & Order: SVU” marathon on TNT.

To be honest, I hardly leave my house anymore because I’m deathly afraid of being taken down by National Guard troops in my own front yard. And God knows some neighbor would take out their phone and start filming as I scrambled to save my coffee while in a headlock. And then I’d be known as #screamingcoffeelady and I would go viral and it would be so embarrassing except also kind of awesome.

It’s a legitimate fear. Elected officials are being accosted by G-MEN, ICE, CIA, the Mossad, FBI, KGB, the Illuminati, juvenile parole officers, and Cobra Kai’s Johnny Lawrence. First there was Sen. Alex Padilla who was forcibly removed from a Homeland Security press conference, pinned to the floor by federal agents and handcuffed for interrupting Kristi Noem, who was so startled that her bottom lip fell off. (Don’t worry, she has plenty of spares.)

Next there was NYC mayoral candidate Brad Lander, who was pushed against a wall and arrested at an immigration court while trying to escort a migrant out. I think it had something to do with due process and human rights but, seriously, who can tell at this point.

I’m sure there have been several other instances that we don’t know about, which is disconcerting. But can you really tell the difference between people being taken down by federal agents and a flash mob? I guess the use of “Uptown Funk” would give it away.

Luckily I’ve found a way to take my mind off of “Iran” and “whatnot” outside of my go-to competitive solitaire games and birdwatching. Karen Read. She’s the Boston woman who got acquitted Wednesday of killing her cop boyfriend by hitting him with her SUV and leaving him to die in the snow.

I know that sounds open and shut but OMG you have to watch the documentary, “A Body in the Snow,” that came out between trials (the first was a hung jury which is just so goddamn lazy). Her defense team alleges there was a conspiracy.

And it’s a great distraction from living under a monarchy.