The Greene Bile

Marjorie, Christian nationalism, and global evil.

Republican. Trumper. Christian nationalist. Conspiracy theorist. Woman. Three guesses.

No, not Lauren Boebert.

No, not Marsha Blackburn.

Or Elise Stefanik.

Not Kristi Noem.

THIS IS GETTING EXHAUSTING. AND DEPRESSING.

Of course we’re talking about Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. She’s that dreadful woman with bleached blond hair, irreversible sun damage and bulky bicep implants. She’s also a self-proclaimed Christian Nationalist, not to be confused with the lesser known Christian Internationalist who is actually quite delightful.

Robert Draper profiled Marjorie in Sunday’s NYT Magazine and unfortunately I had to read it on my perpetually cracked iPhone screen. My newspaper has gone missing for eight consecutive weeks now. I’ve plastered signs all over the neighborhood next to flyers of lost cats who have clearly found better homes and are never coming back. Just like my newspaper.

I met Draper once at Texas Monthly and said, I’m such a huge fan! And he turned and looked at me and said, coffee, black, two sugars.

But let’s get back to Christian nationalism, one of my favorite table topics of all time. (Can’t wait for Thanksgiving!) Greene believes that we should have a Christian government and that open prayer should return to the classroom. Can’t argue with that. We prayed openly in our school in between the Pledge of Allegiance and that woke ballad of yore, “Hail to the Redskins.”

Prayer was mandated, not just forcibly encouraged, because we were in Catholic parochial school, not public school, where you can’t make students recite the rosary. Or attend daily mass. Or subject them to face-to-face confession. Or sell Krispy Kreme donuts outside church to raise money for new excruciatingly painful saddle shoes.

Before we go any further into Marjorie’s deplorable belief system, let’s make one thing clear. Marjorie is as dumb as a rock. You would almost feel bad for her if she wasn’t such a wretched woman. Marjorie is a “Christian who loves her country” aka “a white Christian who loves her race.” But the former sounds much less offensive.

Christian nationalism is essentially the belief that there should be no separation of church and state; it should just be church and church. Meaning our country should be declared a Christian nation, by Christians and for Christians. Not even Catholics are considered true Christians, according to the true Christians. We may even be worse than Mormons and Protestants. Basically they’ll be sending all of us back to Ireland and that’s just FINE WITH ME MARGE.

According to Draper, this past summer Marjorie appeared on some crazy religious right program named “FlashPoint” where she was prayed over by some crazy religious right author named Dutch Sheets who proclaimed, “You are highly favored, you will not fail, in Jesus’ name, Amen!”

Are you kidding me with that name? Dutch Sheets? That’s like a poor man’s porno name. He must have grown up on Dutch Street with a poodle named Sheets.

Incidentally Marjorie was actually baptized and raised Catholic, even getting married in the Catholic church although sadly that blessed union has ended in divorce. Otherwise known as a mortal sin, which leads to eternal damnation. I hope there’s a CrossFit studio in hell.

But now Marjorie enjoys talking about how Christians are persecuted in this country which is like saying they’re persecuted on the Supreme Court. She shared the biblical story of Jesus chasing the evil money changers out of the holy temple to illustrate how to “fight against what’s wrong.” Is Marjorie really comparing herself to Jesus? Because that’s a HUGE no-no. Unless you’re the pope.

I fact checked this via Bing and discovered that Jesus did expel the money changers along with select members of Congress from the sacred temple in Jerusalem because they had turned it into a “house of trade.” He even got so mad that he flipped over tables. (He also became the first person ever to pull off a tablecloth while preserving the table settings and flower vase.)

If you haven’t read the article, you’re missing out on some delicious anecdotes like how Marjorie wrote for some publication called American Truth Seekers and used her great-grandmother’s name as a pseudonym. If I had done that, my byline would’ve read Speedy Edie. She believes that a Democratic staffer named Seth Rich had been murdered by John Podesta. Or if not Podesta, then the MS-13. You just can’t go wrong using MS-13 as a solid alternate theory.

Marjorie also claims that “many in our government” are actively worshiping Satan and liberals are all child traffickers and feral hogs. Underneath it all, a “Global Evil” is bankrolling the devil’s handiwork. I myself am always waiting to cash that next fat check from Global Evil, LLC.