The Good Fight

It's always over a guy.

I know this may surprise you but I’ve never gotten into a fight in my entire life. I mean a physical fight, not like the verbal sparring or political obliteration I engage in on a daily if not hourly basis.

No one bothered me in high school because I posed zero threat to stealing their letter-jacket-wearing boyfriends due to my 12-year-old boy physique. (Two words: late bloomer. Two more: no dates.)

So when I came across this headline yesterday, my day was basically made.

The Bathroom Fight Fueling Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert’s Break-Up (The Daily Beast)

OH GOODY. Two of the most wretched women in American history are whaling on each other. What could they possibly be fighting over? Plum committee assignments? Bragging rights for January 6? Matt Gaetz? Who gets the flat iron?

I’m picturing heads flushed in toilets, cracked mirrors, body slams, scratching, hair pulling and dramatic lipstick smears. (If I’ve missed any stereotypical girl fight moves, please let me know.)

Apparently the fight was over Kevin McCarthy, which marks the first time that anyone’s ever fought over Kevin McCarthy. It started out with Greene pulling a 180 and siding with GOP leadership during the speaker fight, as evidenced by the fact that she sat with McCarthy instead of with Gaetz and Boebert.

That’s just cold. You’re never supposed to ditch your friend over a guy. Unless he’s the newly elected speaker of the house. That’s the one disclaimer in the handbook.

Just days before the first day of Congress, Greene and Boebert engaged in a screaming match in the ladies room in the Speaker’s lobby. (The regular ladies room had a line that you wouldn’t believe.)

Apparently Greene said something like, “You were OK taking millions of dollars from McCarthy but you refuse to vote for him for Speaker, Lauren?” And then Boebert said, “Don’t be ugly!” before storming out.

By the way, “Don’t be ugly” is one of the lamest retorts I can think of when confronted with fighting words. My 9-year-old daughter has better one-liners than that like, “WELL YOU’RE OLD.”

Anyway we all know who would’ve won. I mean, have you seen MTG? She looks like she’s been training with Drago. Oh, and for her loyalty to the speaker she secured a seat on the powerful House Oversight and Accountability Committee, where she will spend all her time investigating Hunter Biden. When she’s not investigating Hunter Biden, she’ll be investigating Hunter Biden.

And Hillary Clinton.