The Brotherhood of the Traveling Vance
The vice president, fundraisers, megadonors and Mountain Dew.
Apparently, JD Vance was in Austin this week, which is why you felt a disturbance in The Force.
You’ve got to feel a little bad for the hillbilly turncoat pope killer. He compromised his values in hopes of being the heir but it’s looking like he could be the spare. Insert sad one-teared emoji. Marco Rubio — who also compromised his values (two can play at that game!) — has been traveling the world as Secretary of State while Vance travels to the Lone Star State. Outside of yelling at foreign dignitaries in the Oval Office in the worst group therapy session ever, he holds about as much sway as Kamala Harris did.
So really the only prayer Vance has to prove his worth is to raise more money than any profoundly disliked vice president has raised before. Hence, a Republican National Committee fundraiser right here in Austin. Vance is vice chair of the committee, which is kind of embarrassing. I mean, I don’t throw myself parties. I wait for people to throw me parties. The last time that happened there was a clown making balloon animals.
For the totally reasonable price of just $100K per couple, you too could’ve had your photo taken with JD. Gross. The event was hosted by tech billionaire megadonor human error Joe Lonsdale, a venture capitalist who founded the conservative Cicero Institute think tank as well as the prestigious University of Austin which, if you haven’t heard of it, is apparently a university in Austin. Bari Weiss is a co-founder who, if you haven’t heard of her, is the prince of darkness.
Incidentally, I have zero rich friends. Sometimes I look around my book club and think, you broke losers. Like, not one doctor in the group? Not only for the requisite summer house but also for medical emergencies. No one ever screams IS THERE A MARKETING SPECIALIST IN THE HOUSE?!
To make matters worse, Vance is once more getting called out by Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear, a possible 2028 presidential candidate, as the “most arrogant politician” he’s ever seen and accused him of disappointing the people of Ohio as a senator. To be fair, the people of Ohio are perpetually disappointed. You would be too if you lived in Ohio.
Beshear went on to say that Vance’s memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, amounted to “poverty tourism.” I’m not familiar with the term poverty tourism but I may ask my travel agent about it.
Beshear once shamed Vance for drinking Diet Mountain Dew and I must say I agree. Who drinks Mountain Dew? Rephrase. Who drinks Diet Mountain Dew? Personally, I don’t drink soda anymore but in college I drank like six Cokes a day. I got cavities in every single molar. I’ve been walking around with a mouthful of liquid mercury for decades. I’m sure it’s fine.
Honey, you are in fine form with today's screed. JayDee Vance stayed at the hotel next door to us so we are waiting for a renowned exorcist to show up and clear the evil spirits lingering there. Is this something you can do, Eileen? You're still a Catholic, aren't you?
Oh boy, he may have raised some money, but I bet he also made eternal enemies of those pissed off Tuesday-morning commuters on southbound I-35 and eastbound Hwy 71 who were suddenly stopped in traffic on I-35 from around 12th Street, with lanes blocked all the way to 71 and then east to the airport, starting around 8:00 a.m. and ending god knows when. I was driving northbound on 35 and it was surreal looking at the absence of any traffic on the southbound lanes, with all the entrance ramps and the main lanes blocked. The highway obviously had already been blocked blocked for some time, yet his motorcade was nowhere in sight. Good times.