The Brotherhood of the Traveling Vance

Catholic conversion, J.D. Vance & the one true faith.

As a firm believer in the power of religion, assuming it’s the correct denomination, I was surprised to learn that J.D. Vance is Catholic. Don’t be fooled. He’s not a real Catholic. He’s an adult convert Catholic. Just like he’s an adult convert to Trump. (Up top.)

There’s a big difference between always-Catholic and late-onset Catholic. For example, I was baptized wearing some family lacy gown and matching lacy cap when I was roughly two hours old. An adult convert does a halfhearted sign of the cross before cannonballing into his neighbor’s pool and grabbing his Bud Light midair.

(Baptism is easy. Wait until Confirmation. The Holy Spirit descends and literally sets you on fire.)

So as an adult, Vance was able to just waltz in, looking all Vance-y, and reap the many benefits of membership, like the signature “I’m Catholic, You’re Screwed” t-shirts, a lifetime supply of Krispy Kreme donuts, and (finally!) the freedom to listen to The Bill Gaither Trio on full blast without apology.

The Catholic version of Dukes of Hazzard.

What a bullshit move. He gets to skip over the years and years of parochial school, Peter Pan collar uniforms, forced face-to-face confessions, scrubbing convent floors with toothbrushes, constant ridicule, fish sticks Fridays, daily rosaries, threats of purgatory, disapproving looks, living nativity scenes, stigmata, self doubt and stale communion wafers.

I would show Mr. Vance the battle scars of a lifelong Catholic but EMOTIONAL SCARS AREN’T VISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE.

According to Christian Century (I’m a longtime subscriber, mostly for the tote bags), Vance explained that he’d converted in 2019 because “the people who meant most to him were Catholic.” Apparently his Hindu wife, Usha, didn’t make the cut. Which would be awkward but she knew what she was getting.

Vance practices the conservative ideology of “Catholic Integralism” (and I thought there was only “Catholic Catholicism”), which rejects the separation of church and state and believes that everything should be based not just on Christianity but on the Catholic faith. Take that, evangelicals! There’s a new sheriff in town!

Catholic Integralists are like, say, Mel Gibson Catholics. Omnia Latine melius sunt, am I right?

But who cares if Vance is Catholic besides lapsed Catholics posing as devout Catholics? It’s better than those twice-a-year Catholics who show up on Easter and Christmas. It’s way too late for them.

Tim Walz, meanwhile, grew up Catholic but then became Lutheran. What?! Who leaves the Catholic church to become Lutheran? I didn’t even know they were still around!

That VP debate is going to be EPIC. Throw in an agnostic and we’ve got a party.