The Big Sick

Should've gotten that vaccine when you had the chance...

I hate to tell you this but another Covid pandemic is barreling toward us like a really fast barrel and there is nothing we can do about it. Except make stupid t-shirts that say, “my-my-my-my-my-MY CORONA.”

As new cases of Covid are reported every day at my daughter’s middle school, I dropped her off at a hotel and immediately started trying to book a vaccine for myself. Unfortunately, I quickly discovered that the new vaccines are available only to people over 65 and those with preexisting conditions.

I desperately called CVS and Walgreens, thinking that the 20-year-old pharmacy interns there are much more interested in selling patient data to Aetna than checking IDs for vaccine eligibility. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even get past the scheduling apps because my birthdate tripped me up.

I could try to be a walk-in but if they looked at me and approved it, I might pull my prescriptions and go somewhere else. And that’s a lot of business lost.

This is NOT GOOD. I mean, we all knew that RFK, Jr. was going to screw the pooch on this one but I just assumed he’d bring back one of the old plagues first. At least then we’d know what we were looking at. (Speaking in tongues followed by sudden death.)

I can’t believe we’re left with this clown and lost JFK, Jr. Talk about a Kennedy curse.

This is ridiculous. Why should women under 65 be the priority? There needs to be a speakeasy behind Luby’s that I can knock twice on the door and obtain some grandma’s sad, unused passport paired with a Mary Pickford cocktail.

As far as preexisting conditions go, I’m fairly confident I can cough one up. Should I go with mental instability? Water retention? Short- and long-term memory loss? Inability to make my own tears?

I had Covid twice. The first time I suffered from delusions and the second time I suffered the same delusions but this time they were totally real.

Apparently, you can talk to your physician and ask her to prescribe one if she thinks you’re a hot mess. Please. Like I have a primary care doctor. The last time I was in a doctor’s office there were Highlights magazines scattered around the waiting room and tootsie pops when you checked out.

But don’t worry. Under RFK’s leadership, we have some solid alternatives to vaccines such as Dr. Oz supplements, colloidal silver liquid bottles, chelation therapy, room temperature milk, leeches and a rich assortment of household disinfectants that will almost certainly make us drop dead. And then we’ll be eaten by zombies which, let’s be honest, might be for the best.