Thank You for Smoking

On the new pope, Alcatraz & 37 dolls.

Holy Mother of God. There’s a new pope in the Vatican. It’s the first American pope the world has ever seen. (I was praying for the first woman pope but apparently rosary beads don’t work the way they used to.)

It took the cardinals just two days to elect Robert Francis Prevost of Chicago, who has taken the papal name Leo XIV. Two days is a very short time to pick a pope. That’s like a jury that reaches a verdict after two days, meaning they immediately knew they’d vote guilty but they wanted to look like they were seriously considering all the evidence.

Now the cardinals basically have nothing to do until they are called back to select a new pope, outside of looking down on lowly deacons and monsignors, the jokes of the hierarchy.

Catholic primer: There’s the pope, followed by the cardinals, archbishops, bishops, priests and deacons.

Turns out that monsignor is just an honorary title, which I wish I had known growing up with Monsignor Mahler, the head of our parish in McLean.

Sometimes during Sunday mass, families would try to leave church early instead of staying for the entire post-communion service and he would proclaim in a booming voice, JUDAS WAS THE FIRST TO LEAVE. Then he would point at the offending family so the rest of the congregation would know who to stone.

Godspeed, Pope Leo Random Roman Numeral. Stay away from JD Vance.

Closer to home, there is also a lot going on, just less white smoke. Migrants may now have two more locations for deportations—Libya or Alcatraz. As far as I know, knowing nothing about North Africa, Libya makes El Salvador look like the Magic Kingdom. Naturally a judge has ruled that deporting migrants to Libya would violate a court order, which is funny because the White House eats court orders for breakfast.

According to Trump, the notorious prison turned tourist attraction is a symbol of law and order. Alcatraz represents something “horrible and beautiful and strong and miserable.” I think he’s describing Shawshank.

But enough about popes and prisons. The real story of the moment is toys. As he continues to singlehandedly destroy the economy, Trump is recommending that parents buy fewer toys, especially dolls. Now Mattel has warned that it will probably increase the price of Barbies due to global tariffs and a hit movie.

“All I’m saying is that a young lady, a 10-year-old girl, 9-year-old girl, 15-year-old girl, doesn’t need 37 dolls,” he said, suggesting that three or four dolls should suffice. A 15-year-old girl asking for dolls? She doesn’t need more dolls. She needs a date to Homecoming.

When I was growing up, I collected all of those wonderfully scented Strawberry Shortcake dolls—Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, Lemon Meringue, Peach Blossom, Huckleberry Pie, Kristi Noem, Lime Chiffon and Apple Dumplin’. Which one would I have to do without today? I mean, it’s not like Blueberry Muffin can live without Lemon Meringue.

You monster.