Take Two Tablets and Call Me When You're Christian

On the Ten Commandments and redecorating the classroom.

You may not think there’s a place in public schools for the Ten Commandments but you’re wrong. Have you seen the inside of a public school lately? Bulletin boards are plastered with signs for available high school tutors and a bake sale to send the band to Oklahoma. (No…Sleep…Till Tulsa!) And don’t even get me started on those tacky kindergarten handprints on the walls. That’s a perfect space for the Decalogue.

Last week Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick proudly announced the passage of a Senate bill that would require every public school classroom to post their very own copies of the Ten Commandments. Located right next to the paper mache Stations of the Cross fashioned by the third grade. Adjacent to the water fountain that now dispenses Holy Water. And across from the box of optional rosaries. I’m kidding. They’re not optional. You sinner.

“I will never stop fighting for religious liberty in Texas,” Patrick said in a prepared statement he wrote 27 years ago while rappelling off Mount Sinai. “Allowing the Ten Commandments and prayer back into our public schools is one step we can take to make sure that all Texans have the right to freely express their sincerely held religious beliefs.

“I believe that you cannot change the culture of the country until you change the culture of mankind. Bringing the Ten Commandments and prayer back to our public schools will enable our students to become better Texans.”

I don’t know about you but when I think “religious freedom,” I think “Christian symbols posted prominently around state-funded, non-parochial schools.” I’m guessing the original set will be erected inside the public school that purchases the most raffle tickets.

This is dangerous stuff, people. Those Ten Commandments handed down by Moses have been crated up and stored in an undisclosed federal building since Raiders of the Lost Ark. That was for a reason.

The Senate legislation will require that the commandments be displayed in a “size and typeface that is legible to a person with average vision from anywhere in the classroom.” Seriously? Those teachers all wear bifocals. If they take off their glasses, not only will they not be able to see the commandments, they won’t be able to see half the class.

In case you need a short primer on the Ten Commandments, I can help you out as I grew up attending Catholic school and was forced to recite them while walking on hot coals. Don’t bear false witness or worship false idols or covet thy neighbor’s oxen or make your maidservant work on the Sabbath. Follow those and you should be good.