Spin Cycle

A funny thing happened on the way to legislate puberty.

This year for Spring Break we took my daughter to Maine to ski for the first time and apparently now they call the snowplough “pizza” and I can only assume that change was made by some woke liberals who consider the term offensive to parallel turns. Overall it was a good time despite my frenzied warnings to my fellow ski lift passengers that the cable looked frayed and we were all going to die.

Speaking of the fragility of life, scientists are now saying that Covid was likely started by raccoon dogs which you’ve probably never heard of but now will become the next designer go-to pet for Americans, like the cockapoo and the puggle. (Full disclosure: I have a muggin, a cross between a pug and a mini pinscher. I believe there’s also some ferret there but the genetic testing proved inconclusive.)

But let’s turn to the Florida Legislature, which is similar to the Texas Legislature except people are really tan and partial to Tommy Bahama island wear. The Florida House has introduced a bill banning discussion of human sexuality, including menstrual cycles, in elementary school.

That’s right. Say it with me. Periods. If the bill passes, female students will be forced to take refuge in red tents across the state during this dark monthly cycle of shame. The legislation, brought by some male Republican who is clearly uncomfortable with basic female anatomy, would also restrict girls from TALKING ABOUT their periods before 6th grade or, even better, marriage. Instead, conversations between besties will be limited to American Girl dolls and the latest in home ec curriculum.

Boys will be encouraged to explore why girls are prone to monthly fits of hormonal psychosis and should thereby be ignored.

The sponsor of the bill is one Stan McClain, proud father of 11 children. His daughters still have no idea what menstruation is. They’re now in their 30s.

This is just the latest salvo supporting the ominous Parents’ Bill of Rights and Ron DeSantis’s absurd anti-everything crusade rooted in his Stop WOKE Act spearheaded by the Individual Freedom Act. The governor doesn’t talk about anything of substance, like, I don’t know, the collapsing banking industry and the run on banks and the imminent downfall of Bailey Brothers Building and Loan because of stupid Uncle Billy.

That’s what he should be talking about. Period.