Sociopaths Anonymous

First, admit you're powerless. Then, make shit up.

Nobody wants to wake up to this.

I mean, here it was, a nice Sunday morning, firing up the old laptop to read the New York Times. I had just poured my fourth cup of coffee and warned my daughter that she only had two hours left of tablet time. And then, this. The ugliest sorority composite ever. What’s with the guy in the first column, third row? He’s like a Victorian-era Rick Astley.

I immediately knew what was coming. An avalanche of hate mixed with bad hair mixed with ego mixed with…Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is the perfect ingredient due to his contagious and unwarranted sense of self-worth. Think of him as the two teaspoons of vanilla extract in this shit batter.

The profile pics represent lawmakers and media figures and Twitter overlord Elon Musk spreading rumors about the Paul Pelosi attack because you just can’t go wrong in these circles by making fun of an 82-year-old who was beat repeatedly in the head with a hammer and could have died. Added bonus? The attacker said he was going to kidnap Nancy Pelosi and shatter her kneecaps. HA HA HA you can’t make this stuff up! But oh yes you can!

Some suggested there was a cover-up, while others were just saying whatever popped into their warped little turnip heads. Like the intruder was in his underwear and the two were having a homosexual affair! Or it was all staged, or the election was stolen! Maybe Paul actually hit himself with the hammer. Or maybe it wasn’t even a hammer, it was a wrench or a lead pipe. Personally I heard the police caught Paul prancing around wearing Nancy’s shoulder padded power pantsuits.

Rep. Clay Higgins of Louisiana claimed the attacker was a “nudist hippie male prostitute LSD guy.” Well, OK, but do you really have to add “nudist” to “prostitute”? Isn’t that just “assumed”? Higgins, who has ties to the Oath Keepers, has been married four times. NOW who’s a male prostitute? He has also compared abortion rights to the Holocaust; in other words, a super fun guy to have for Thanksgiving. Let’s play Table Topics, Uncle Clay!

Dude. Paul Pelosi had already been shamed enough by getting a DUI in May. In Napa. He could’ve at least gotten it in Sonoma. Did that not give you enough fodder?

These people are so terrible and guess what? They’re winning. They’re winning voters, they’re winning elections, they’re winning the hearts and minds of brainwashed patriot Americans everywhere. We’ve become so complacent between our Wordles (guilty) and Cobra Kai bingeing (also guilty) and donating to NPR (plead the fifth) that we’ve failed to notice that the world around us has become utterly unrecognizable.

It’s like that dream that everyone has when you’re back in high school and you haven’t studied for a test and you’re not wearing pants and everyone’s laughing at you especially the boy who never asked you to prom and then you wake up and crazy people have taken over the country. While you were sleeping in your woke bed.

As I was walking my dog this morning I was challenging myself (yes, aloud) to think of any Republican I would possibly support for president if I had to. Liz Cheney? Dick Cheney? The Rock? And I quickly realized I was mostly trying to come up with Republicans that probably wouldn’t have their vice president hung in front of the Capitol.

THE BAR IS SET PRETTY LOW, PEOPLE.

But here’s to Election Day! May the worst man/woman/nudist hooker win.