She's Out of Control

The pill, the parents, the lawsuit & the judge

This session the Texas Legislature is poised to start shredding your so-called reproductive rights and turning you all into handmaids. Luckily I’ve been preparing for the inevitable for a long time now, learning how to bake fresh bread and perfecting my demure expression. Basically I’m hoping to be a Martha instead of being banished to The Colonies to clean up nuclear waste.

A girl can dream.

Over in the Capitol—where I believe there is exactly one Democratic House member left—Republicans will be following up on the state’s popular abortion ban by backing issues like denying teens access to birth control without parental consent at federally funded clinics. You might not think this will work but I guarantee if girls can’t get the pill, they’ll forsake sexual intercourse and attend purity balls with their fathers instead. (Please see “Condomnation” for more, courtesy of the ITP archives.)

The ruling on parental consent was decided by U.S. District Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk, a Trump appointee who is vehemently opposed to family planning. These girls are trying not to have an unwanted pregnancy. And if they don’t get pregnant in the first place, they won’t have abortions. Which is what the pro-life movement claims to want: fewer abortions.

Logic is overrated.

Kacsmaryk once wrote that the Sexual Revolution “sought public affirmation of the lie that the human person is an autonomous blob of Silly Putty unconstrained by nature or biology, and that marriage, sexuality, gender identity, and even the unborn child must yield to the erotic desires of liberated adults.”

You had me at autonomous blob of silly putty.

Autonomous blob of silly putty

Incidentally, Kacsmaryk is set to hear a lawsuit filed by the conservative Alliance for Hippocratic Medicine which challenges the FDA’s approval of mifepristone, aka the “abortion pill.” The pill can currently be ordered through the mail, Amazon Prime or from your local neighborhood Jezebel.

The judge has been married for 17 years and has five children. Only five? That’s the best you could do? Clearly you’ve been employing the rhythm method quite liberally or you would have at least 16. And you call yourself pro-life.

Back to the Lege. It may surprise you that Texas Conservatives have filed legislation called “Compassionate Equity in Familial Responsibility,” requiring any boy who gets a girl pregnant to marry her and raise his child accordingly.

I’m just kidding.