Saving Private Pete

The false narrative of redemption and a kid from Scranton.

On Tuesday I tuned into C-SPAN to watch the Senate confirmation hearing for secretary of defense and serial sex offender, Pete Hegseth, and to bear witness to our failing democracy. Also, because I wanted to hear how his Christianity and devotion to God would ensure that the men and women (for now!) in the armed forces would be adequately prepared for combat.

Luckily, Hegseth’s policies are rock solid. He will wait for a sign from a burning bush before he takes any type of action. We are in good hands. The Lord’s hands.

“As my wife and I pray together every morning, all glory, regardless of the outcome, belongs to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His grace and mercy abounds each day. May His will be done.”

Good God, man. This is an interview to head the Pentagon, not an audition for the lead in “Jesus Christ, Superstar.”

The apostles. As you’ve never seen them before.

When confronted by allegations of sexual assault, serial adultery, excessive drinking and being an all-around embarrassment to this country, Hegseth had this to say: “I’m not a perfect person, but redemption is real. I have failed in things in my life, and thankfully I’m redeemed by my Lord and Savior Jesus.”

Everyone’s been redeemed, you dummy. Mostly because of my round-the-clock rosary praying and occasional self-flagellation. Anyway, just because Jesus has forgiven you doesn’t mean he wants you to be secretary of defense. What he wants is for you to keep it in your pants. (Ten Commandments. Look it up.)

Yes, a simple Wikipedia search outlines Hegseth’s personal life and sexual dalliances, of which there are many. Hegseth’s first wife divorced him after he admitted to five affairs. Then while married to his second wife he had a baby with his soon-to-be third wife. His fourth wife has yet to be named and may or may not be pregnant with twins.

(Incidentally, what kind of moron tells their partner they’ve had five affairs? Did he really need to quantify his infidelity? Just say, the bad news is, I’ve been unfaithful. The good news is, I’ve also been redeemed.)

Sure, we’ve all made mistakes. He’s just made a lot more. Yet apparently through the grace of God, he’s been FORGIVEN? Are you KIDDING? When I was at Catholic school and was forced to go to confession like every other day, I once told the priest that I had eaten an entire bag of Chips Ahoy while hiding under my bed. He basically said I was going to hell.

On Wednesday night I tried to rally my family to watch President Biden’s farewell address with me. But apparently they were too busy doing other things, like complaining that I hadn’t gone to the “store” to buy anything for “dinner.” Also, my daughter was like, Who’s that old guy? She’s grounded.

I do like a good farewell speech, however, delivered from the revered Oval Office. Sure, he warned of our basic rights and freedoms being threatened by the coming oligarchy and the dangers of a crumbling free press and the concentration of power and wealth but I liked the Statue of Liberty bit. (This is when I realized I should’ve at least stopped by the store for wine.)

I’ll end with this photo, which I have shared countless times to prove that I used to hang out with powerful people, even if I had to sneak into fundraisers by climbing through a wealthy donor’s window.

Joe Biden in his younger years and me in my stalker years.

Only in America do we believe anything is possible. Like a kid with a stutter from modest beginnings in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and Claymont, Delaware, sitting behind this desk in the Oval Office as president of the United States.

See you, Joe.